Celebrating Life! Celebrating Me!

I know some of you are already shaking your heads about this post, go ahead and shake it right on outta here if your head shake is disrespecting.

Having a chronic illness can make birthdays both a blessing and a curse; a blessing because whoohooo I survived another year! And a curse because now I am getting older and those pain will add to the how much longer must I suffer like this?!

So many with illnesses/diseases just like mine are not gifted another birthday, their family doesn't have next year to plan for. Birthdays become reminders of sadness and loss.

I'm turning 41 in a few days, another year I didn't expect to love to see.

I look back at my 40th year and am in awe! My health was not good- as always, but I have grown more emotionally in the last year, I am stronger and happier with my self than in all of the previous years combined. I guess that's another blessing with illness, you basically loose all of who you were and get to soul search for who you really are.

I have no idea what the next year will bring, but I know I am brining one hell of a fight plan along. I will see another birthday! These illnesses will not win!

So yes? I will celebrate life, celebrate ME for not only the rest of my birth month, but every day of every month, because I am worth it.

So to me, to you, to all of us surviving chronic illness; HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR BADASS SELF!!! 🎉🎉🎉

Can someone please tell me…

Being as sick as I am, as Often as I am, I know my body very well! I usually know what pains belong to which Disease and what triggers those pains. But every now and then…

A few days ago my left knee felt like it went out, I could walk on it, any pressure or bending it would double me over in pain. Then the next morning the pain is gone! Not even sore.

Then on the right side my ribs felt like they too were out of place! Turning, raising my arms, breaths- it all hurt! I couldn't even get myself undressed that night.

Last night before bed my right hip did the same thing, only the pain was still there this morning just to disappear this afternoon.

Yes, I am very aware of how fibro moves around! And yes this may be some new intense fibro symptom that in 20+ years I have never experienced. But it just doesn't feel like fibro.

So far everything fixes itself eventually, if I lay down and just relax it (or I think that's what's fixing it!) but it's weird…

So, can someone please tell me if this sounds familiar, what it sounds like, what I can do to stop it! My other illnesses are debilitating enough, I don't need whatever this is.

The Effort is Exhausting~

Some days I just sleep, I sleep all of the time. Other days The pain just takes over, leaving me in bed but somewhat mentally functional- those days are the worst!

The worst days mean I hurt to much to move but my brain is awake, it wants to do stuff, it thinks to much, it gets angry and depressed. I just lay there, not moving, it hurts to bad to move, yet sleep eludes me. I wish sleep would come so my thinking would stop.

I try to keep busy with TV, reading, blogging, astrology stuff, but it's hard to concentrate when the pain is this high. So I just lay here, more thinking, more praying for sleep that won't come.

The effort of staying positive is exhausting! The effort of not sinking into a river of self pity is exhausting! I paddle for a while look I finished a blog post, see here is today's astrology report, the feeling of accomplishing something is amazing, but the effort it took is exhausting.

Then the guilt overloads the sense of accomplishment I should have spent more time on that post, I should have added the Oracle readings, I should be cooking dinner- I forgot the potatoes in the roast. Then poof, right back to the river of self pity.

Yet I try! I try to keep paddling!
Oh but the effort is exhausting.

The Three Month Appt.

It's been the longest period of time between doctor visits that I've had in years and we had hope to go to a 6 month period this time, but instead I go back in two months with a call in between.

I didn't gain weight, so that's good!
Most of my labs came back good, that's really good.
My Cortisol levels are low so that's being upped. I've been riding the edge of a crisis!
My thyroid medication is being upped to 125.
One medication I cannot remember the name of is being cut in half because the new doctor has no idea why I'm even on it and I don't remember either.

All in all it was a good appointment minus the two most important things we thought were stable. But those two things, my thyroid and Cortisol numbers totally explain why I'm not feeling good.

A special shout out to my amazing hubby who never misses an appointment, translates so well, reassures me of my purpose when I've lost my faith, loves me unconditionally, and soothes the hurt the outside world causes. I love him more than words can say.

So FuXXing sick of apologizing for being me~

I often don't say it as I should.
My thoughts get lost in translation or I could.

I say it to blunt, my honesty has no sugar shaker.

My intentions are not to hurt.
My goal is not disrespect.

Sometimes it's just me. Sometimes my words and thoughts just do not connect.

Those who know me, know me well, they know my intent without any resentment toward the words I emit.

😂okay I am no poet, but my heart is aching because yet again I opened my mouth and words fell out with no harm intended, yet the words were taken and damage was done.

Why is it funny when Masturbate turns into Meditate, yet other words are taken to be filled with hate?

My brain fills with fog, have I not mentioned this before? My words and thoughts get twisted, have I not made this clear?

Let's just say, I am thankful for my husband who says lovingly "babe it's just your way!"

I'm thankful for those who understand! I'm thankful for those who don't twist what I am.

Blah blah blah-
I've spent the whole day and night kicking myself in the ass for all the ways I mess up when it comes to the twisting of my words, hating myself for slow cognition, berating myself for my bluntness, and feeling sorry for myself for all of it! I've apologized over and over, I've taken the blame time and again.
Well, you know what? I am sick of apologizing to others for who I am! If they cared enough about me they would already know not to take it so literally! I am sick of apologizing for not being enough, not living up to someone's expectations. I am FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF APOLOGIZING FOR WHO AND WHAT I AM!!!

I will not beat myself up over not meeting your expectations of me.

Today the tears were a wild rolling river, I've cried to often over my lacking in other people's eyes.

I am me and your acceptance is not necessary!

Thankful for Monday~

Yes I just said that, I'm thankful for Monday coming soon! But even more shocking; I'm thankful for Monday because I have a doctor appointment!!! Shocking right? I usually dread the doctor visit. This is the longest I've gone without an appointment, it's been 3 months!
And the last month has been rough.
After the week of hubby in the hospital and our trip to Oregon for our sons wedding I thought I was just paying the price for the stress, but I'm not getting better, in fact I think I'm getting worse.

I'm at a point now where my medication schedule is so messed up it isn't helping thing much. I sleep through alarms. When I do wake up I'm so groggy I forget to take meds and go back to bed just to wake up 3-4 hours later sick from not taking them.

New pains are popping up, old ones are intense. I'm sleeping at night and during the day, it's a sound sleep not fitful, I should be feeling this way.

So yes, Monday I'm excited to see the dr to find out what the heck is happening to me now.

A New Pain~

I'm sure it confuses others when I say "it's a new pain" because I'm always in pain, how would Pr could I notice a new pain. Well when you know your body like I do, something new or different is obvious. And this is new…

It's in my knee. It came on yesterday, every time I bend the knee it almost drops me to my knees in pain. Last night I rubbed an arthritis salve I made all over it and it helped a bit, but oh still to bend it.

I went to bed and it was fine, but as I'd dose off I would bend it just to have the pain wake me with a screech that hubby somehow slept through. So I got up and wrapped it with a bandage and I slept- I slept really good.

This morning that knee pain is mostly gone, even though rain pains are fully activating the pain everywhere else. I don't know what that knee pain was, but I pray it was a one time thing.

Today is rainy and thundering, a good day to just stay in bed and let my body war itself without my participation.