I would say it’s the Holidays, but it started a couple of months ago. That tailspin into the darkness of winter, that almost not noticeable cloud of depression settling in.
Only that cloud has been noticeable! I’ve been fighting so hard to stay on top of it! I distract myself in every way imaginable, yet there are moments of quiet. Those are the moments where I spin.
I get hyper focused on something, usually something that I can dig and rehash and find new ways for it to make my self worth drop lower, ways I can further validate my invalidating and destructive behavior. Yes I see it, yes I know I am doing it. I shift from “it’s all in my head” to “no it’s it’s not in your head, look at the proof!” The results are the same, sinking and spinning.
Rarely is my behavior met with compassion or communication. I guess I understand that, but that just sends me deeper into spinning. Saying “Hey I can’t help it.” Wouldn’t help. People don’t get it. They only see what they want to see, and I understand they don’t see what I’m actually going through.
I’ve been accused of not understanding that others have a life, that I’m being selfish when I need a friend. Yet part of me wonders why, when I’m available to them through their stuff even when my stiff isn’t good, why it’s so hard to expect the same?
See, then I start spinning again.
I know I need to be my own light.
To stop this spinning on my own, I try, I really do. Does anyone actually experience this spinning because they want to? I doubt it.
I did amazing all summer, in the months of warmth and bright days! I was doing so well I asked my dr about coming off of one of my depression/ anxiety meds, he suggested I wait a bit longer that the winter months are the hardest. Yep, yep they are.
So to you my friends, struggling with the spinning in your own thoughts, sinking into your own despair- you are not alone.
I say to you:
Hey friend, how are you? How are you today? Just popping in to say I’m thinking about you.
You are not forgotten.
You are not alone.
Here is light for you in this time of darkness! When it’s tough to shine your own light, I will share mine!
*image from google candles.