Earlier today I posted on my Facebook about the Healing Hounds acting weird, they have started (Or I’m just noticing) getting super clingy a few hours to a full day before I flare up.
Sure enough rain is coming. Sure enough the pain has started.
The rain pains and healing hounds are only part of the reason of this post. Actually this post goes in a few directions.
1. What is this all worth? Why do I keep fighting this loosing battle? I know I am not alone in wondering this, in my case (this time) it wasn’t a suicidal thought, it was just a honest question to myself.
The pharmacy had refilled two of my prescriptions (correctly) and we had picked them up earlier that day. I plucked the staples and dumped all of the little bags onto the bed. I double checked each one for Brand and milligrams, then arranged all 10 bottles full of my little white life support pills into the Pill bag according to dosage. Recounted, rechecked then felt the tears slide down my cheeks plopping onto the notebook I keep track of meds in. Salty little pools of sadness and fear mixing with the blue words to create dark inky clouds of reminder that this is my life.
I take these little pills every few hours, without them I would die, maybe slow and painful or maybe quickly. Most days I just take them without a thought, somedays I am thankful, somedays I fight them like I had a chance of winning. This day I was angry, why do I have to live like this kept racing through my mind about the pills, pain, painsomnia, appointments, blood draws, huge expenses WHY…
Fast forward to today…
My pooling inky smeared tears have dried, my body is aching in advance of the change in weather! The hounds were right, the pain is setting in! I wish I could figure out what I could do with their early warnings. More rest or something to make the pain less intense when it does come.
Anyway, my “why” has an answer.
Because I have important people to be here for, people I have yet to meet and people I know but rarely see. I have places to go and memories still to make. I am not done here and the people are not done with me. I fight for these reasons! I take my pills, go to my appointments, get my veins jabbed, for these reasons. And I find myself being thankful for it all because all of it keeps me alive to meet the people, make the memories, experience milestones- to be here for my life.
With that all said…
I swing back into angry mode.
We talk about stressors that trigger low cortisol; illness, accidents etc and emotional stress. Emotional stress can be sudden or drawn out, it can be happy or sad or even mad. Yes I said happy! And that makes me mad. Why can’t we (I) enjoy happiness without updosing? Or even with updosing. Why can’t we be given a “happy pass” to enjoy a moment, bask in the excitement that life offers without skating the thin line of crisis? The headache that makes my eyes swell, the nausea and vomiting and fear of falling asleep in case my cortisol drops and I don’t wake up… why!!!
Then I drag myself back to thankful…
I am happy to be alive to experience these moments and moments to come.
I am thankful for the medications I have access to so that I can stay alive.
I will be here to make the memories.
Through the good and the bad., Happy and sad, it may knock me down, but I’m still here.