I’ve had a good stretch, several good days and even weeks. No the pain never goes away, nor does the other symptoms- please don’t assume that “good” means symptom free. I’m very thankful for those times, they make me feel alive and worthy of life!
Then a flare or a crash or whatever is happening happens. Fear sets in, not just a fear of the pain but the fear of how long will this last? Is this the flare that lasts 10 years instead of five? Is this the flare that lands my name in granite? Fear!
It happened gradually yet suddenly at the same time. I was going along, yes over-doing it, but going along at almost unsick pace then I notice I’m more tired, moody, the pain, headaches, the symptoms keep piling. The cortisol is running through my system like it’s a marathon.
I double dose.
I triple dose.
The symptoms keep coming. I’m canceling plans, not attending events, letting my friends and family down. This is familiar, I’ve been here before, I don’t like it here. Please don’t let me get me!
It stormed the other night, so maybe it was the weather in combo with a minor “oops I’ll take them later” forgetting my meds (not so minor- I got real sick!)
but it hasn’t eased, in fact I think it’s getting worse! Even messing with my blood sugar which is new-ish! So I look at the weather for the coming week…
This should ease the fear, but it has already set in, I question “but what if it isn’t the rain causing this pain and flare/crashing hell” The rationally me know the damage rain pains can do, but the pain doesn’t mix well with rational me, the pain makes my emotions wonky.
I breathe, deep breaths, willing my emotions to calm and know this is just a storm and it will pass.
Really deeps breaths.
I made the decision to come off of disability, but moments like this make me question my decision “what if” and that just awakens the fear dragons!
Sleep Fear dragons, I got this!