*Ding Ding* Fighters please enter the ring!
I remember when people kept telling me I needed to be more positive! I remember those days well because what did I really have to be positive about? I’ve been sentenced to a life of pain, medications, limitations, and more pain! Positive? WTFE…
It’s been a couple of years of misery, emotional (and physical) hell, I fought it all every day. I fought the pain. I fought the doctors. I fought the “life sentence.” I fought like hell. It was a fight I was certain I would win.
Then I sunk into what I thought at the time was acceptance, I just laid there waiting for all of this to take me, for life to be over, I wasn’t accepting I was giving up.
So I fought some more. I was angry about why me? I was jealous of why do my healthy friends have no diagnosis and my are in the double digits? I had so much run through my head.
Then somehow, through all of the self help books and courses something clicked.
Acceptance! True acceptance! This is so much different than giving up! When I sat back and said to myself “This is what I have, this is me now, how do I want this story to end?” It was eye opening! I didn’t want to wither away miserable. I didn’t want to just survive till I die. “But what CAN I do?” Not much right? I’m stuck in bed most days, yada yada you know my daily stuff. “So what am I going to do?”
As much as I can! As often as I can!
My perspective started changing! My self confidence started rising! My depression lifted (for the most part!) I have my spunk back! I laugh and joke! It’s awesome.
Here is the negative…
My body hates the mental activity! Here is this mind that suddenly thinks it’s a badass and pushes the body to far to often! This busy mind gets consumed in something and forgets to take medications. This occupied mind feels a heart rate of 140+ and knows it’s to high that I need to rest in just a minute.
This emotional high I am on is a bit reckless with the body that carries it.
Part of me wants to “enjoy it while it lasts!” But the positive heart and soul in me says “JUST ENJOY IT! You aren’t just surviving, you are living!”
And as I write this a whisper in my mind says “you have found a way to live happily even if it’s from bed, from a state of pain, despite your illnesses! This is what you wanted!”
So maybe instead of trying to referee this boxing match between my Mind vs Body, maybe now my journey is to work out how they can work together without hurting each other.
Ya know, this life of chronic illness may be a never ending road, but to look at the journeys along the way is quite a phenomenal trip. The path of acceptance was a tough on, as was the journey of diagnosis, and then of course the many routes of treatment. But check me out, how far I’ve come, now I’m traveling down an unexplored area, making my own road, of how to live an exceptional life regardless of limitations and complications!
Maybe this is my adventure!
Hmmm, the Cosmic Gypsy means more to me now than ever before.