I felt like a fraud~
“How do you feel?” He asks.
Panic ripped through me, but there was no sense in trying to hide it, my energy was giving me away…
Tonight I stepped out of my comfort zone, I had seen on Facebook that a book club was meeting (I love book clubs) but this wasn’t just any book club, this was a Spiritual and Metaphysical Book Club!!! Like minded people to meet in person!!! (I love my online friends dearly) I was so excited to sit down for coffee in person with people I hope to soon call friends! (I was so nervous I didn’t even order a coffee!)
First of all since leaving my home state to travel with hubby for his work I have met very few friends and even fewer like minded people (in person.) I mingled with hubbys friends wives, even started friendships (some that will last a lifetime.) but I remained fairly isolated when it came to friends.
Then I got sick and with very few exceptions my social life became a world of posts, groups, sister bloggers, and others on a similar spiritual path. *oh- Spiritual Path, that further isolated me; my Goddess Spirituality, tarot & astrology readings, my Witchyness wasn’t exactly comfortable or understood by 99% of people I come into contact with! So that’s 3 big things that isolated me!
So tonight I went to the book club! Nervous! And WOW, like minded is an understatement! They felt like I had known them forever! We talked and laughed and finished each other’s sentences.
But here’s where things went wrong…
Thank You Addison’s Disease and Whatever other crap I have that throws in cognitive issues when I get stressed! My memory seriously bleeped out! My temperature was fluctuating! My insides were shaking! I couldn’t talk straight. I couldn’t remember the name of my favorite book! I couldn’t remember what “type” of astrology I do! I am sure I sounded like a fraud!
My knowledge of crystal elixirs vanished. I looked like a fraud!
We talked about my health, I wanted them to know I am really not always like this, I couldn’t even remember what Addison’s Disease was! Again I felt like a fraud!
So at that moment when he (one of the book club members) asked how I felt, I answered…
At that moment I was wishing I would have stayed home in the comfort and safety of my isolation bubble! I was making a fool of myself for not being able to remember anything or even how to talk! Ya know how when someone is lying they sweat, stutter, and can’t recall specifics about the topic? Yes I looked like a liar! A liar about my knowledge and experience metaphysically, my health, my favorite book, what started me on this path- ALL OF ME- A FRAUD!!!
Only I am not a fraud. It’s this damn illness! The isolation has made me forget how to interact with people in person! Then add my quickly depleting Cortisol levels and the pain is sinking in, I just wanted to disappear.
Will I go again? Yes I will try it again. I think. Maybe.
I don’t know! Honestly my safe little bubble here, as lonely and depressing as it gets, is comfortable. There is rarely anyone here for me to make a fool of myself in front of, when I start stuttering I just stop talking to myself (haha!)
I actually felt good enough to be social and my social ability sucks!!!