I always start a post with the title, except today, I don’t know what to name this post. It’s 4am and I’m still awake!
The pain is keeping me searching for a comfortable position to no avail. I have to be strong, I have to hide this pain, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
Maybe I should start over.
Friday morning, 5:47am and I’m woke up by my phone ringing. My sons name and smiling face lights up my screen. Groggy from only about an hours sleep I answer. He does exactly how we had planned. “Mom you need to triple dose and call me when you are more awake!” Wait! TRIPLE dose? No, the plan is double dose. My sleepy brain shutters awake!
I tell him okay that I’ve taken the triple but am not waiting to hear this news till I wake up- it’ll take 45minutes for this to kick in… BTW- I didn’t triple, I only took my normal early dose!
The news is my husband had just been in a bad accident with a semi-truck.
I TRIPLE DOSED!
The highway my husband and son take to work is known as “Death Highway” I call it the “widow maker!” They take separate vehicles to work and our son doesn’t have to be to work as early, but is almost to the crash scene.
Not thinking, I take a shower! It’s to early, my meds haven’t kicked in, the pain is bad, my Cortisol isn’t ready for this…
My daughter in law knocks at the door, she’s come to sit with me to make sure I’m okay. We wait.
He is okay! The semi pulled out in front of my husband and at 70mph he couldn’t get stopped! He shouldn’t be okay! But he is and I’m thankful. The impact knocked the semi onto its side. My hubby is okay. No widow made today.
I’m still super stress dosing!
He wakes up this morning (Saturday) and is sore but I can barely move. My pain is high and he says he’s not bad at all. Who was in the accident? Who is feeling like they got run over?
Be strong! He’s the one who’s been in the accident so hide my pain! Stuff it away! I have to be strong for him.
I watch him as he moves, the adrenaline wearing off and the pain starting.
I am still stress dosing.
I’m feeling incompetent! My own pain is bursting! I need to be there for him! Hide my pain!
How do I do this? Be there for him when I can barely take care of myself? It’s such a useless feeling! I can’t even pretend I’m okay! I feel like a horrible wife because I am supposed to take care of him, he always takes care of me.
Now what? What do I do when I can’t do much? What happens when what I can do isn’t enough?