For a while now I have hesitated posting this for many reasons, the reason I am posting it now is I started this blog to show the RAW emotions of Chronic Illness, so true to form here I go…
She’s one of my best friends, she’s tough as nails, she’s a go getter, she’s been there for me through the hell of my most recent diagnosis! She’s pushed my wheel chair, she’s drove me around. We’ve had slumber parties at my house when I wasn’t so able to get around. She’s been there.
And now, now she is there.
She is fighting for a diagnosis now, the path we all go down of uncertainty, unfamiliarity, everything the doctor says is contradictory or unclear. She’s got a list of symptoms. She’s not sleeping and the pain is kicking her arse. She is there now.
I recognize each stage she goes through, I’ve been there but I get it; I remember how mad I’d get when people said “be more positive.” I remember how I hated the “well at least it’s not worse/Cancer etc” I remember all of that. What I don’t remember is what did people say or do that helped?
Being there. Letting me vent without advice given.
I remember that there really wasn’t anything anyone could say or do to help me, I needed to go through it all, I needed to find my own peace, nothing or no one could do it for me…
But… She is my best friend and seeing her go through this is breaking my heart! I know the pain she’s in because I’ve been there. And now she is there! She is there now and I want more than anything to pick her up like a game price and move her to the part of the illness where acceptance has introduced her to new happiness.
I don’t want her to go through this!
I’m supposed to be encouraging, but depending on my own mood and feelings toward my “story” is not as encouraging as I want to be. For me, fibro came on 20+ years ago and I thought that was a death sentence of life with unending pain, then a few years ago the CFS, Addison’s, Hashimotos, Hypothyroidism, Myofascial Pain, Plantar Fascitis, the _______ (insert any of the newest diagnosis’s) came along and I realized that the fibro was the least of my worries. Some days it’s so hard not to tell her “oh honey it gets worse. So much worse.” But that might not be how it goes for her, and seriously, that is soooo NOT encouraging.
Add that to…
I am finally teetering on a place of acceptance, where I look back and see the growth I have experienced as a person through this time, even as painful as it was. I like the new me! Yes I’d love to not have these illnesses, but I do have them and am finally living with them instead of against them and life is better. So some days I want to be the “look at the bright side” person, no not the “be more positive” person but the person who says “you are going to love the person you become!”
So who do I be with this person who was a rock for me? The encourager? The realist? The sympathizer? The observer? I don’t know how to or who to be because she is there now! I know she knows I understand, but I also know from my own experience that “no one truly understands because mine is different!”
She’s my best friend…