Chronic illness changes people, I know it changed me, how could it not? I went from working to not able to get out of bed, I went from socialite who loved to host parties to not being able to tolerate crowds. Yes I changed.
I became pissed off at the world, hadn’t I already been through enough? I didn’t see how it was fair to keep getting diagnosis after diagnosis, the pains and medications increasing! I hated my life, my self, I hated the people who doubted me! I hated “just be more positive!” Seriously- you go through what I am going through so I can shove positivity in your ass! I hated everything!
I tried focusing on other people, helping them, so I wasn’t so self absorbed! That made things worse because I ended up trying to control everything and everyone, FYI- that causes a lot of problems both health wise and with the people you had good intentions to help! Don’t do this. You are the only one you have any control over, and that’s awesome because that means you can control your own state of mind. With a little practice.
*image from the psychedelic gypsy on facebook*
I won’t lie and say that all of my days are good, I still have days that I question the purpose of living this pain, I question the purpose of my existence, some days I still get angry. But in the last year or two I got tired of being mad, living angry, being consumed by my illnesses.
Yes I still live most of my life from my bed, but my state of mind is different now. Most days. Yes the pain is still prominent and my mind is still foggy. Nothing has really changed except my perception.
Laying here I have had time, lots of time, to think, to discover a path for my life as it is now, and it excites me.
A while back I started a Virtual women’s circle group, it’s awesome “meeting” with like minded women who also suffer chronically, from the comfort of my bed! I have friends and emotional support. But more recently I am reaching for my dreams with this group of women- I am teaching astrology in a new way and helping others discover themselves and increase their self confidence all from the comfort of my bed!
I record the videos when I feel like it, I laugh when I make a cognitive error or my mind goes blank mid recording. I type out the lessons when I can. Then I post them when the time is right.
I don’t know if my method will work, but it feels so good to be doing something, to be reaching for my dreams despite being stuck in bed and having a foggy head. I am doing this!
What is amazing is I feel like I am living instead of just surviving. I feel myself light up with possibilities.
What I am saying is there can still be a happy life even with our conditions. We can still live! We have to adapt and accommodate to things yes, but get creative and it is possible. Being mad at the world only hurts us and those closest to us!
Accept this new us, accept what is, then learn to live again.