Acceptance and Mourning

Here I am, still in recovery mode, or maybe that incredibly tough week has just sent me into a flare. Regardless of what it's called it is kicking my arse.

Maybe because certain things are still upsetting me, things I need to let go of because I'm the only one still stewing about them. Maybe the reason I can't let go of those things is because my emotional state has grabbed onto those couple things and won't let go. Why-ever, my emotions mess with me when I feel like I do/have been feeling.

It's easy to be positive at first, when there has only been a few rough days, but when the down days turn into weeks and so on it is hard to not be depressed. It's hard to remember the good moments that made this pain and fatigue worth it.

I'm just babbling. I want to cry and scream, but what good would that do? It'd just cause more pain and more fatigue.

Tomorrow I'll be on day three of not holding food, thank you big D- NOT! Even tonight Liquid is being promptly discarded from my body. Lovely. I needed to loose weight anyway so I should t complain.

At this point I am working on accepting, accepting that I'll have good times and bad, accepting life is easier if I just accept the down time. Acceptance is hard when the flares could last days, weeks, or months, and yes even years. It's hard to look in this tunnel and not know when or IF I will come out of it.

How bad will I get? It's a fear, a legit fear.

So today I will mourn and put on my Warrior amour and fight this battle that is my life.

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