So much is going on in life and in the world, happiness is not what it once was. Many areas of life are being disrupted and I won’t lie, I am feeling sorry for myself. I’m not feeling sorry for myself as a matter of what is happening because what is happening I am so proud of, but I am I guess what could be called empt nest depressed. Like a “what now?” type of feeling.
Take all of what has me on edge and mix a heaping scoop of painsomnia last night, with a dash of haven’t recovered from my lack of hydrocortisone, and we have depression pie over served.
Last night I started thinking (mistake number one,) and it led me down the “what is this worth” path-
- I have no friends within a one hour driving distance.
- My fear of driving keeps me housebound.
- My husband is gone to work 12-15 hours per day 6-7 days a week.
So add up the amount of time I spend with people… It isn’t even worth trying to figure out. Loneliness is avoided by filling my time reading, coloring, cleaning when I am able…
I’m not an easy friend to have;
- I rarely feel like leaving the house.
- I’m easily overwhelmed by sensory stimulation.
- My energy level is low and unpredictable.
- I cancel a lot.
But I miss friends! I miss that companionship of little outings or guests for coffee.
Anyway, my empty nest fears were HIGHLIGHTED when I asked hubby what we were going to do and “volunteer to work 2 Sundays a month!” That means he will only be home 1 Day a month. yes he is home nights, an hour or two before bed, and usually that’s after falling asleep in the chair. Imagine how good that made me feel!
Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful for his sacrifice and blessed to have such a hard working man, but I miss him.
Anyway, in my feeling sorry for myself last night I wondered if this is what my life holds; days spent completely alone, pain and exhaustion keeping me home, a foggy brain. That’s it?
Then tell me what the heck the point is? I’m meant to just live and suffer? Filling voids with anything and everything I can- that’s it?
I fell asleep thinking what is the sense of trying anymore, guess what? My body heard my thoughts and shut down today.
Tonight hubby was asking a question about something totally unrelated to my health “What do you want to do?” He asked. Imagine both of our shock when I looked him in the eyes and said “I want to fall asleep and never wake up! Ever! That is what I want to do!”
Whoa- where did that come from? I know I’m depressed! I know I want to fast forward a few months instead of face the cause and effect of stressors on my body- a pain I know is coming. But to completely give up? No, I don’t actually feel that way. If there is one thing being ill has taught me it’s that this moment will pass. So where ever those words came from, it was a part of me I didn’t know was listening to last nights conversation.