Tonight I spent some time looking back on the last year and I am amazed at the changes!
I spent years looking back in sadness and anger for the person I was before getting sick. I spent a long time fighting the sick me! I didn’t know how to accept it without giving up, and honestly I didn’t want to accept it.
In the last few months something clicked and pieces started falling into place! That day my newest doctor was blunt enough to say “I can’t cure you, there is not a cure…” I should have been heart broken, but the truth is I knew there wasn’t a cure, I knew I would never be “healthy” again! But it was like he give me permission to live again, to stop fighting and to accept all of these chronic diagnosis.
I started noticing where my energy was going and am still amazed at how much energy was being wasted by fighting my health, distracting myself from my health by being pissed of at the world and everyone in it.
Little by little I took control of where my energy was going, I chose my battles a bit more wisely, I spend less time being angry, I spend less time distracting myself from the pain! Now on a high pain day I rest, spend the day (s) in bed because I finally understand that is what I have to do. I am more careful to not overdo it on a good day.
It’s hard for those around me to understand that I am not “better,” that I am just doing better about taking care of myself. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I’m sure you’ll do fine because your doing better.” And it makes me cringe; my pain is still here, the fatigue, the dizziness, the exhaustion- it’s all still here. I know my limitations and instead of fighting them I accept the changes and even plan for them. I’ve become more aware of what is really worth my energy.
I don’t have much energy, but I do know that life is better when I am spending that energy in positive pro-active ways. Being mad and hateful, feeling sorry for myself was getting me no-where and making me sicker!
There just might be something to the “be more positive” statement! It just takes a while to grasp what that really means because it means something different than just “being positive.”
Here is Permission for you to LIVE! Become aware of what you are giving your energy to and you’ll be surprised with the changes that begin to unfold.