Unless you have passed down some genetic/hereditary thing to your child/children you may not understand what I am about to say, but I will try to say it so it makes sense…
It’s a guilt that twists in your gut, in your heart, in your soul. It is a guilt that people will try to ease with “it’s not your fault.” That really doesn’t make me feel better, because while I did not have a choice of this thing I have passed down to my child/children, they have it because I of me.
I’ve seen the signs, symptoms that match my own, in one of my boys and as he grows older I see them more prominent and that guilt just twists the hole in my soul even deeper.
As their Mother I’ve wanted only the best for both of my boys, I wanted them to have better and be better than me! That wish list included them to never feel the effects of a chronic illness, and yet I see in one of them, a couple of possiblitlities that have not yet been confirmed.
Not yet confirmed diagnosis, because he is now of age to make his own decisions and he doesn’t want the label, doesn’t want the words said out loud! I understand that, but, I also know that left untreated things get worse!
Today I had a down day, tonight’s weather report told me why today was so down- rain in the forecast… Today, he also had a down day, an unexplainable (yet totally defendable) down day… it’s a normal thing- he is equally effected by the weather and it breaks my freaking heart to know exactly what he is going through, the thoughts and feelings I can explain because I do it every time it rains too. I gave him this, I didn’t mean to, but The fact remains.
The plus is he doesn’t have to do it alone, I do understand! It is a double edged sword though, because he has seen what I go through, because of what I go through is exactly why I feel the guilt of passing this thing onto him.
Regardless of the pluses, the negative is I can’t fix this, this thing that I caused.
I know it is truly not my fault, that I am not to blame, I guess I just get so angry and feel so helpless.
Anyway, I needed to vent this.
To both of my boys; I love you. Unconditionally.