The Guilt~

Unless you have passed down some genetic/hereditary thing to your child/children you may not understand what I am about to say, but I will try to say it so it makes sense…

It’s a guilt that twists in your gut, in your heart, in your soul. It is a guilt that people will try to ease with “it’s not your fault.” That really doesn’t make me feel better, because while I did not have a choice of this thing I have passed down to my child/children, they have it because I of me. 

I’ve seen the signs, symptoms that match my own, in one of my boys and as he grows older I see them more prominent and that guilt just twists the hole in my soul even deeper. 

As their Mother I’ve wanted only the best for both of my boys, I wanted them to have better and be better than me! That wish list included them to never feel the effects of a chronic illness, and yet I see in one of them, a couple of possiblitlities that have not yet been confirmed. 

Not yet confirmed diagnosis, because he is now of age to make his own decisions and he doesn’t want the label, doesn’t want the words said out loud! I understand that, but, I also know that left untreated things get worse! 

Today I had a down day, tonight’s weather report told me why today was so down- rain in the forecast… Today, he also had a down day, an unexplainable (yet totally defendable) down day… it’s a normal thing- he is equally effected by the weather and it breaks my freaking heart to know exactly what he is going through, the thoughts and feelings I can explain because I do it every time it rains too. I gave him this, I didn’t mean to, but The fact remains. 

The plus is he doesn’t have to do it alone, I do understand! It is a double edged sword though, because he has seen what I go through, because of what I go through is exactly why I feel the guilt of passing this thing onto him. 

Regardless of the pluses, the negative is I can’t fix this, this thing that I caused. 

I know it is truly not my fault, that I am not to blame, I guess I just get so angry and feel so helpless. 

Anyway, I needed to vent this.  

To both of my boys; I love you. Unconditionally. 


Stress (not UP) Dosing~

My Healing Hound Sadie had to spend last night in the doggy Hospital! It started sometime yesterday, her vomiting and then last night poor baby had blood in her stool! She was very lethargic! 

Hubby did some internet searching as I laid on the floor near her bed just petting her, he says “call the vet I think we need to take her in!” My heart panicked but externally I remained calm! 

So we took her to the Emergency Pet Hospital! Sadie was running a super high fever so the vet decided to keep her over night for fluids and monitoring. 

Those words brought tears to my eyes, I didn’t want to leave my baby there. Anyway, the nurse came in and set Sadie up for her IV, she cried and the second leg was worse! 

The more upset she got the more upset I got- I thought… I didn’t think though, I didn’t think of how she picks up my stress (and low Cortisol,!) The nurses took her out of the room and bam, Sadie took the IV easy as pie! But then that was it, no cuddles or anything, just a Go home and call in the morning! 

I cried! 

We got home and Stress dosed, but the low Cortisol symptoms came anyway! So at 3:30am I was wide awake, in severe pain, and emotionally distraught, and making trips to the bathroom. Then I slept.

At 9am I woke, how could I sleep so late when poor Sadie is at the hospital, is she okay? 

Well, the vet is monitoring her through the day today, right now she is resting and doing okay. 

I wish I was resting and doing okay! My pain has

Me barely able to move, yet to uncomfortable to sleep! I’ve stressed dosed, up-dosing was not enough! 

Today my goal is to NOT  go into Crisis. 

Come on Sadie-girl, get better so you can come home, your Healing partners miss you! 😢

And Down I go~ Again! 

You’d think I would be used to going down again, you’d think my expectations for staying in the good day zone wouldn’t be so high, yet it surprises me when I go down (or technically flare up!)

But not only am I surprised, but extremely disappointed. I have had so many up days I was secretly hoping I was cured. Why do I do that to myself? 

So here I am, 3rd day of this flare! I think it actually Started Saturday night, I remember having to concentrate really hard toward the end of the night to understand people’s conversations. 

Anyway, the weather isn’t helping at all! It’s dreary and cold. 

So what happens when I have a “down day?” 

My head hurts, like worst hangover ever kind of pain! These colorful fogs I see when my eyes are open are still there when I close my eyes! And no pain medicine will touch it. 

My stomach~ I’m hungry but nothing sounds good!! I try to eat anyway and it takes all I have not to throw it up. Not to mention the explosives emptying of my bowels that shouldn’t have anything left anyway. 

My muscles feel to heavy to move and burn if I make them move. My bones and joints all feel bruised, badly bruised. To walk feels like every bone in the bottoms of my feet are broken. 

Dizzy, shaky, short of breath from the pain, fatigued. Weakness…

I hate it. 

Anyway, my mind is drifting to sleep again. 

Tabula Rasa~

Here it is, the post revealing the stressors! After this post is posted it’s Blank slate for me~ tabula rasa! But I promised I would tell you when I could, I can now. 

The biggest stressor started about 9 months ago, yep you see where this is going, my sons x-girlfriend at the time accounted she was pregnant! I won’t go into the drama that went on, but it was very dramatic. But we were excited! My son was looking forward to being daddy, and me? A first time grandma- yep, I couldn’t wait. Then it doubled- TWINS!!! The Drama doubled too. Well almost a month after the girls were born my son got his first visit, and he glowed! Then he finally convinced her to do the paternity test… He is NOT the dad, I am not the grandma. We went through the hell this little girl (baby mama) played that whole time… it sent me into flare after flare and near crisis more than once. I glad to be done with her! 

Tabula Rasa~

As for my steaming and venting about friendships, I think I already posted about “I wanna talk about me,” a while back and that is what has been on my mind a lot lately. I’m very hurt that maybe my healthier friends don’t think I have a life to talk about, maybe they aren’t interested in the garden I tried showing of, maybe they don’t know what a big deal completing the herbal course was to me, maybe they… Hell, I have no idea why after I support them in every area of their life that I can think of, even areas I don’t agree with, I support and encourage and motivate them but it’s to much to ask for the same in return? Fact is I shouldn’t have to ask for it, it’s what friends do. A few of the friends I had talked to about it a couple of times, but there hadn’t been changes so I pushed them all away. Not because I’m mad but because I need to take care of me and those situations were hurting me. 

Tabula Rasa~ 

Those have been my biggest stressors, so here and now I am cleaning the slate to blank, making room for the new and more positive energy! Releasing the anger and hurt, the tears and the screams, the sleepless night and self doubt- RELEASED! 


Herbally Hopeful~

Herbally Hopeful! I didn’t know what else to title this post because words aren’t going to be able to convey what I am trying to say in the way I hope they would. 
I’ve kind of always had an interest in herbal lotions/oils/salves etc but never really knew much about them or how to do them or even what herbs did what!

That all changed about a month ago, on April 21st I signed up for The Herbal Academy. I signed up for the Introductory level course, with a year to complete it and a payment plan I thought it would be perfect. 

Then I panicked!!! I mean I freaked out! Seriously, what was I thinking, my brain fog is never going to allow for me to pass quizzes to get my certificate of completion! My eyes won’t allow that much reading! What was I thinking? 
So starts the adventure… Chapter 1 and the panicky feeling multiples, this is a whole new vocabulary, my brain function will never allow this! 

Oh but my brain function exceeded my expectations! 

The reading materials were like I was working from a perfectly good brain with amazing recall abilities! It felt like it was all stored in a safe place in my memory bank, a place that hadn’t been tainted by illness or medications, just waiting for me to ask for it to be recalled! 

I ordered some supplies and got to work on my first salve, a muscle salve that works amazingly. Again, my memory and other cognitive skills were like I’ve never seen them. And I love doing the work! I love reading about what herbs are best for what and then testing them out. I love how the process is like meditating, everything else in the world disappears and it’s just me with whatever I am making. 

Image from “The Younique Foundation” Facebook page

The finished product revealed that I had not read the directions properly, but that was an easy fix, I melted it down, fixed it, and finished it. I love the easy corrections. 

Another thing I really love about my herbal concoctions? It’s minimally painful!  

I pour in the herbs and oils to get them infusing, 3 days in the crockpot! Then I drain the herbs from the infused oil and blend with other ingredients then put them in their bottles/jars/ cans etc- ready for use. Each step takes less time and energy than a shower does. So as long as I go by some set of directions exactly and one at a time, I am able most days to accomplish something! 

Anyway, I was able to complete the course in less than a month!!! I congratulated myself with more supplies and more projects! 

Salves chilling in the refrigerator

The process of each product is soothing, the finished product is truly pain relieving! It’s a beautiful combination! 
And it brings me a sense of pride! These illnesses took away my hobbies and career opportunities! They took away my pride. Finding herbalism has restored my pride and has lessened my need for other people’s approval. This is my thing and so far, Id say I do it well! * I’d be lying if I said I didn’t notice who did or didn’t congratulate me and encourage me with the herbal course and especially completion of the course, but that isn’t this post, but it is EXACTLY what made me realize I need no ones approval or congratulations! 

I am finding emotional strength! Hope! And it feels amazing! 
The point of this post; no matter what our abilities or disabilities, find passion in something you can do now! Looking back at the person before the illness and wanting a hobby or passion they had is only hurting ourselves! It may take some time, but open your heart and mind to the possibilities of right now! 
Yes I still hurt as bad as ever! Yes the insomnia still keeps me up! The brain fog still has me putting toothpaste in my hair! Yes I still sleep most of the day everyday. But finding this passion makes life more bearable. 

*ps- I will not make anything edible, I don’t trust myself that much! And all products I try myself before my family does! 

Overloaded~ Exploded~

I know my most recent post made people shake their heads, some in agreement and some not so happy! I don’t and won’t apologize for how I feel but I do agree it was a passive aggressive explosion and should have been handled in a different way. 

I was/am overloaded, overwhelmed, and I exploded. I just got tired of holding back all of these emotions and boom- there they went- all over my blog, increased my viewers by a ton though. 

Today instead of a vent session I changed that energy into positive energy by getting some more salves infusing! 

I am loving the herbal work, the pride of finishing the course with high scores- yay me for good notes! The pride of using a product I made and it works! I’m just so proud of me! 

When I made the first batch of muscle magic it turned out a bit to hard so I am melting it down to add more oil and get it a bit softer, then it will be perfect. 

I also have an arthritis blend of herbs infusing, I can’t wait to see how that turns out. And then an all purpose salve blend is jar #3! 

It doesn’t help to stay upset, disappointed, or angry! In fact it hurts a lot. So I’m sending the issues love and turning the negative energy to positive energy and it’s working! 

Well except the mass headache I woke up with, so far there is no help for that. 

Happy Saturday my friends! 

The things I’ve tried~

I will start this post of with an apology to those I offend by posting this, I know there will be several people wondering if this is pointed at them, it is not pointed at anyone specific! 

With that said, I have a rant~ 

Rant #1~

Since I have started showing first signs of symptoms till present day I have tried so many things to get better, to be well, to ease my symptoms! One doctor says “stop all Gluten” I did for two years, another doctor says “stop caffeine” and I did for six months (and only occasionally have it now,) another doctor says “stop nightshades” and I did for a month~ the list of stuff goes on and on, the amount of time/money/energy was excruciating. Every new thing I tried failed, but I tried anyway because I wanted to be better! I wanted my life back! I’ve tried oils, diets, supplements, medications, exercises, meditation— blah blah! I wanted to be well! 

Of course I wanted to be well, who would want to be not well? Right? 

Wrong! I know of several people that will admit to knowing what makes them feel terrible, what counteracts their medication, what triggers them but, they are not willing to make the change to be well! Please explain to why? Why would anyone want to remain sick or in pain? 

Yes there are the normal answers that others would say about them; attention, just don’t want to work, have given up, they just aren’t that bad,  but what would they say? What would their answer be? 

I don’t understand: Why would anyone want to be in that kind of pain and not even try to do all they could to help themselves? Why would they NOT want to live a better life? I just don’t get it. 

Yes, I am jealous of these people! I will admit it! I want for my pain and other symptoms to be a choice that I can make! 

Our illnesses don’t compare, I know that too! But I do know that if alcohol, heat, caffeine, electric light, crowded places etc made my symptoms worse I WOULDNT DO THEM!  

Rant #2~

All of Rant #1 is part of what makes people not believe in invisible illnesses and the rest of us suffer for it! Let me explain…

“I thought people with _______(insert illness) weren’t able to drink alcohol because of _______ (insert medication type) medication and it will make things worse!” Says a healthy person to the “Spoonie” who posts about getting drunk! Now the healthy person either A) doesn’t believe the person who claims to have _______(insert illness) suffers as much as they say they do and/or B) they think everyone with ________(insert illness) isn’t really as bad off as they claim!

  See what I’m saying? 

I could go on and on with this rant, it could get emotional and go way off track, but I won’t go there because getting that worked up makes me feel like crap and I don’t like feeling like crap! 


Just Blowing Steam 💨  

*again, apologies to those I have offended by my ignorance of not know why you wouldn’t want to help yourself!*