Confession~ I am not stuck up!

Staying home is emotionally and physically safe for me, it’s not that I don’t want to come to your event, but I just don’t want to leave the house! When I am out and about I am usually in the near vicinity of hubby or son, it’s not that I am afraid to be alone, I am just afraid to be on my own. 

*These symptoms happen because of more than one of my Nasty Nine…

This may not make sense to most people, it’s even sometimes hard for me to understand, but here are my confessions…

Let’s start with rapid heart rate, rather POTS or orthostatic whatever, if I stand in one place to long, stand up to quick, or stand from bending, chances are I will get wobbly and possibly fall over at the very least I will break out into an embarrassing sweat! Embarrassing is the key word! It is embarrassing to fall for what appears to be no reason! Especially around people who not know me well enough to know that I am okay, please don’t worry, no need to fuss! 

Now let’s talk-or not, do you speak backwards and play sherades with words? I’ll explain the word you guess it, right in the middle of a conversation! This too, is embarrassing, to forget simple words I use everyday. It makes me feel dumb and ruins the conversation! Then there is the blank stare or blinking incomprehension as I watch your mouth move, I know you are talking, but I have no idea what you are saying! I am trying to listen to you, I am not trying to be rude, my brain is having a glitch and I cannot decipher your words. 

Memory, yes we just talked about that, not I do not remember any of it. Yes I have been down this road (or so you say) but absolutely nothing looks familiar! Yes I know we had an appointment today, but yes I forgot today was the appointment! This too is emberassing! Imagine someone walking up and talking and talking to you like they know you, only you haven’t a clue who it is! Or imagine you’ve gotten so good at pretending to recognize people that you act like you know someone that you have truly never met—Emberassing!!!

I have rested up, I have taken extra meds to come to your event, I’m feeling good, things are going great, then BAM I must lay down RIGHT NOW, I can’t hold my head up! The exhaustion has hit and I have to leave! NOW! Yes I appear rude, appearing that someone has offended me maybe, that isn’t the case! I want to explain, but I just want to crawl in bed. I shouldn’t have come, now I’ve been a party pooper! 

Inappropriate behavior, I have no idea where this comes from but it is probably the hardest for anyone to explain! In a matter of seconds I can go from happy and fun to a cold cutting a noxious inappropriate comment and not even realize I did it. I look around, wondering what I missed, feeling the tension in the air, and I pray it wasn’t me! It was me. I want to apologize, but I’m not even sure what or why I said what I said. 

I like being someplace familiar! If I get disoriented at home, I can just sit, let it pass. But if I am out and about I get panicky! It is scary for me. 

So with each of these happening, it is really hard for me to want to go anywhere, with or without people who know how to react to my stuff! 

*Now multiply each of the above in intensity by 10, this is low cortisol in action. It makes everything worse! A lot worse! Now you see, I am not stuck up! I am just complicated and sometimes it’s really emberassing being me. 


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