It’s happening, it’s always been happening, but some days it’s harder to accept than other days! Or maybe some days I just feel like it is happening because disappearing is what I want to do!
Disappear~ being stuck in this body, being unable to be the person I was, wanting in my head and heart to join the people but my body just laughs! A cruel joke. I feel like I am disappearing to others, they are moving on while I am just…
I just am.
I still have not recovered from doing taxes, I mean seriously? That was days ago! I had plans for today! I have been taking it easy so today would be doable… yet today won’t get done.
Off they go to a birthday party, here I lay, a pity party for one!
My competency seems to depend on their use for me, my ability seems to depend what they want to do. My opinions and suggestions go unheard. My world is quiet!
I’m getting better at ignoring the lonely hallway of my life, most days I even prefer the alone (I never thought I’d say that!)
So as I write this, I feel a realization sinking in, maybe I am not disappearing to them, maybe I am pulling away?
It’s not like I have a choice, social gatherings take up way to much energy, especially with people I have nothing in common with, seriously, I don’t even know what to talk about! So I guess it has become a choice, to disappear, because what energy I do have I don’t have enough to do what they want.
So give me a book and some food, I’ll still be laying here when you get back.