Whoa- wait a second, fun? But I’m a chronic hot mess, what does fun even mean?
I used to party my symptoms away; I drank and danced a lot, and always had an excuse for my tiredness. A social event- I was there, the fun girl, the social butterfly! Rarely did socializing and alcohol not run together! And it was fun! Dancing and laughing and joking- fun.
Then I got sicker and the symptoms couldn’t be hid, then the medications came along and prevented any alcohol consumption. Poof- gone is the fun girl!
Somehow the fun girl was replaced by a worry wort! What if I can’t stand that long? What if there is nowhere to sit? What if I fall down in front of everyone? What if my words jumble and I sound like an idiot? What if there is no shade? What if my senses get over stimulated? What if my mood swings? What if I get a headache? What if I get tired? Where will I lay down when I need to? What if I look stupid by needing to lay down? What if- What if- What IF???
But, because I am the master of distraction, instead of worrying about me I turn my focused to others, others who are trying to have a good time and don’t need the distraction like I do, so I worry about them; did they eat enough? Have they had that cough checked? Are they planning on driving home? Should they be doing that? Do they feel left out? Is their feelings being hurt? Was that meant as a joke? Do they know that was a joke? Do they- Do they- Do they?
Okay so try to relate, talk! But we have nothing in common; they work I don’t, they can physically do stuff I cannot, they have other adult interaction I do not! I can talk health stuff and they don’t need to worry about it. Blah blah blah!
And I suck at meaningless “how’s the weather” shallow conversation.
So what then?
How am I supposed to learn to have fun according to my capabilities?
I need to reDEFINE what fun is!
Hmmm… I will return after a nap- I mean after contemplation- with some ideas, in the meantime, as a Spoonie, what do you do for FUN?