Yesterday I woke up with an excitement, a feeling of brand new shiny good things coming. It was strange because usually I dislike waking up very much.
Let me tell you the story leading up to my point….
Before I got really sick this time (a couple of years ago) I was running two businesses that I loved! My Younique cosmetics biz was off to an amazing and promising start. My Astrology and Intuitive biz was keeping me busy. Life was good! Then it all changed!
I gave up! I couldn’t maintain consistency with posts or appointments, my cognitive skills, specifically memory recall and speech made it nearly impossible for me to have a conversation resembling anything intelligent. So I gave up! I fought it for a while, but eventually I just let it go.
The end of December 2016 I almost lost my Younique biz, I hadn’t been working it at all. This was a wake up call, did I really want to let it go and give up for good? No, no I did not! So I fought to save it!
About that same time I started thinking of everything else I had given up on… The astrology And intuitive readings. Just thinking about them stirred a quiet hunger. But what could I do? Nothing had really changed, my cognitive skills were still the same!
Anyway, I signed up for a 100 day Manifestation program, and I needed an intention for it. After careful thought and consideration I decided “alignment” was my intention. Alignment with my true self would bring comfort, happiness, peace, most things on my “wish list.” On DAY 2 of the program I woke up to a friend asking for guidance in the realm of the “old me,” and the old me woke up and accidentally gave an intuitive/medium reading! Oh boy that woke up an excitement!!! I posted my excitement on Facebook and guess what? A friend messaged me about an astrology reading!!! All of this on day 2 of a manifesting alignment program!!!
Okay, so here I am mentally feeling like the old me, loving it, excited. But the brain fog hides from me what I am excited about!!! Seriously, I was excited and had to search planners and text messages and Facebook messages to figure out what was making me so excited! How fair is that? It’s not!!! It’s a cruel joke and I am that joke!
Then to further remind me that I am not the old me my hips are flaring in pain, I fed the dogs and fell to the floor ( I wasn’t being careful- I guess my excitement made me forget that I needed to be careful.)
My “Alignment” will work, it will just be a little crooked!
As I laid there on the floor, tears of my reality streaming down my cheeks I got angry, why do I have to be this way? Then I laughed at myself for laying on the dining room floor balling like a baby and feeling sorry for myself! There has to be a way I can live my passions AND deal with this chronic-mess that is me! THERE HAS TO BE A WAY!!!
Yes, I’m a hot mess! I am not independable, but my health is! I am not a blubbering imbecile, my health makes me appear that way. This is not my fault!
I may not be able to schedule appointments in a traditional manner, my daily plans are not up to me! But I can still do fly by the seat of my pants readings! I can still do the best I can with what I can do! I will accept my limitations as they present themselves.
I was expecting a clearly visible straight line of alignment, what I need to accept now is that is NOT going to happen. My alignment will be blurry, everchanging, crooked and jagged! I need to learn to be flexible with myself and my expectations of myself. My lines will not be clear, there is not a direct path, I need to learn to go with the flow WITHOUT GUILT!
My chronic-ness is not going anywhere, so I need to integrate my passions. A Hot Mess is the making! Gotta love it, because it is what it is! The moral of the story is I thought I had accepted these illnesses and my limitations, I hadn’t! I just eliminated the reason to face the limitations. Now is time I accept and continue to grow With the limitations!