So the last few days I’ve had conversations with my hubby and sons about a topic I had no idea was a touchy one. But a touchy topic it is indeed.
“If there were someone here to help us…”
If there was some one here to help us we could have them help with _______ and it would make life so much better. Sounds like a fun game right? Wrong, it actually wasn’t a game at all and it certainly was not fun. The list was long, and 90% of the items on the list were things I should be doing, I used to do, things I loved and hated doing, but I did them just the same. The list was about the person I was. I used to be. With every new thing named my heart broke a little more.
As my hubby and son were animated about the things they’d like help with (having dinner ready, laundry, baking, cleaning,) they also caught me off guard talking about cooking meals during the day for me so I could eat better, someone to help with the things I need help with during the day…
When did I turn into this person? I never realized just how much of my independence is gone. Yes I see the big stuff, but I guess I never realized just how much there was. That is until I heard them talking about how many hours there would need to be in a week for the two of them to complete it all- hundreds, that’s what I heard them say, “hundreds.” When did I become this? Why have I not seen it?
This is not a pity party, I am truly in awe at how I missed it all. They know I am doing my best, they know some days are better than others, they know I push myself. These things they do know. I also know they do not want me to feel guilty or useless. And I try not to, I really do. It’s not like I have control over this, any of it.
So for any fellow Spoonies out there, feeling guilty, feeling like we should be doing more, feeling we are a burden, feeling down about this person we have become…. Think about this; we are strong, amazingly strong- look what we have been through and survived. Look at all we truly do during the day, we fight, all day every day for our life, and we succeed again and again. That is a huge accomplishment!!! Huge!
We may not get the laundry folded straight out of the dryer, dinner may not be prepared when the family is ready, the house may not be sparkling and scented of cleaning agents, we may not be scented of cleaning agents (a shower long over due,) but we survived another day in this fight. We are Warriors!
And in case you didn’t notice, we are worth it to those who remain, we are worth every ounce of assistance we may need. We are worth it!
To answer my question about when did I become this person? I’m not sure! I don’t know when exactly my body decided to be this way. I don’t even remember being strong enough to handle all of this. I’ve never seen myself as strong. Hmmm…
I have completely lost my train of thought here. Hopefully I’ve made the point I was trying to make, even though I have no clue what that was! 😂
I do know, that if you step back, put sometime into thinking of your successes, you will be proud of yourself!
- Today I showered
- Today I remembered all of my meds on time
- Today I got out of bed
- Today I drove myself to the store
- Today I met a friend for coffee
- Today I fixed soup for lunch
- Today I made a friend smile.
The list can go on and on if you look for the good. So look for it, everyday. And be proud of yourself.
Keep on keeping on my Warrior friends!