I have always been the loud obnoxious friend in the group, I have always been a little shy to meet new people, I have always worried about first impressions.
Now, now the thought of meeting new people makes me sick to my stomach and here is why…
The people I already know, they know that I will forget what I was saying, they know I am not lieing when I can’t remember simple details of an event. They recognize the glass look in my eyes when I am not following their conversation. They know by my fascial features when the pain is too much. They just know these things.
But meeting new people is not like that at all! When I meet new people I am scared they will think my intelligence is slow when I can’t remember basic words or say the sentence so backwards it no longer made a sentence. They might think I am being dishonest if I stammer for the recollection on an event. They may think I am being rude if I have to leave early, or lazy if I need to sit.
I know I’ve talked about not caring what people think, but to me this is different, right? This is making a first impression, this is “Hi my name ummm, sorry mind blank… Ummm… *thinking* and my phone number is ***- oh wait, that’s my social security number… I have pan-pan-pan- AN appointment with dr 8:30 at…. Hold on let me think.” Tears are threatening to roll down my cheeks, a lump is forming in my throat. Why can’t I talk right!!!!
Ha- the time I used the word masturbation instead of Mediation in a very important setting when the word was HIGHLY inappropriate!
Anyway… I do not like meeting new people because I know my mind will glitch, but then to try to explain the glitches makes me sound even more off my rocker.
Being in an unfamiliar place just seems to make all of these issues worse, because now on top of the stress of conversations, I also have to worry about where the nearest bathroom is, when I will be able to easily get up to move around if I need to, I cannot be in the sun, not to hot or not to cold, will it be a long walk, is the ground uneven, bring extra medications in case I need it.
So social interactions just make me want to crawl under my own blankets and cry.