The Next 40 Years~


20+ years ago I was diagnosed with fibro, but I had two sons to provide for and quitting was not an option, little did I know that the constant pushing was doing more damage that I would have to live with forever. 

But living with people’s judgements started many, many years before that! I was constantly not “enough” or being “bad” in some way! I was to thin or to tall, to loud or to stupid, to irresponsible or to wild. You hear something enough and you begin to believe it! 

But that was the first Forty years! Now it’s time for the next forty years! 

The next forty years are going to be different. I don’t need anyone’s approval!  I will NOT judge myself through ANYONE else’s eyes! I will not cater to their opinion of me! 

The day after my 40th birthday I start the Red Tent Initiation and Practical Priestessing courses, yes I am taking the courses to learn to facilitate women’s circles to help others heal, but I am taking the journey for my own healing! I will find my own voice! I will find my own power! I will be courageously and unapologetically ME!

We all have a story, our very own story, and no matter how similar our stories are, we will never fully understand each others feelings of that story! So while others will judge what they think they know of my story, I will be living it! Fully living it! 

I have wasted to much precious time trying to be what I thought others either wanted me to be or rebelling against who they thought I was! 

If you think about it; parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, teachers, friends, neighbors, bosses, coworkers, acquaintances, this list goes on; if you put on a mask to please each person all day and night, every day and night 3 things will happen. 1) you will lose who you really are 2) they know you are faking and the relationship is built on lies. 3) You will become sick with exhaustion. 

I’ve lost who I was many times! I am now finding me, and I will not change my masks anymore! It took me getting sick to see, I will never ever be who they all want me to be. 

Most of my illnesses are stress related, I can’t help but wonder if I had allowed myself to be authentic a long time ago, would I still be so sick?  That question will never be answered, but before it is asked of my next 40 years, I will make the changes I should have made years ago! 

I WILL JOT JUDGE MYSELF THROUGH ANYONE ELSES EYES! EVER AGAIN! 

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3 thoughts on “The Next 40 Years~

    1. I keep hearing people talk about “learn to be okay with it.” But I think it takes some sort of amazing something to truly be okay with feeing like we do every day.
      I agree with you, accepting that this is my new reality is, well, honestly, it feels to much like giving up.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It does, I agree with you. I feel like my “old” self is stuck in another dimension and somehow I am here with “this”. The worst part is, is that I know what I am truly capable of achieving, my wants & desires but like in some sort of fun house mirror, I can’t make any of those things apparate. That is one of the most frustrating parts of trying to accept my physical, emotional and mental limitations.

    Liked by 1 person

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