Another day that I ask “What is it all worth?”

Damn it things were supposed to start getting better, calmer, less stressful! What was I thinking? 

So I went to the dentist today to get that broken tooth fixed. Easier said than done! Turns out I need a root canal, the tooth busted from the inside and is infected! They kept asking if I was sure it hadn’t been hurting! Of course I’m sure or I would have gotten it fixed! 

So next week we get to spend approximately 1500$ on a root canal and whatever else to fix the tooth! Which also maxes out our dental insurance coverage for the year. 

But this isn’t the only issue, I’ve heard stories about adrenal crisis and dental procedures like this one! My dr has not supplied me with an emergency kit- I just emailed and asked again! So I am terrified of going into crisis during or after the procedure. 

I am sick of spending my hubbys hard earned money on all of this health related stuff!!!

Oh and I have extremely dry mouth and a prescription was written for a special toothpaste! 

I am no longer asking “What next?” Now my question is “What is it all for?” I’m sick of going through all of this crap, just to still be laying in bed! I am sick of the amount of money it costs my hubby! I’m sick of all of it. 

Deep breath! 

I need to slow down and breath, see the bigger picture, ground and center myself. Because right now, I cannot come up with an answer to my question. 


Today was one of THOSE days~

Yesterday I was booming with excitement, it was my 40th  birthday, everything was good! My 40’s were going to run smooth and be nice to me…

I didn’t sleep much last night, I was excited for the journeys I was to start today. 

I rolled out of bed, knowing emails were awaiting my eager mind, the classes for Red Tent Inititiation and Practical Priestessing start today! 

I made coffee and checked emails. I noticed the cyst on my ear had grown infected (Disappointment #1) so I emailed the dr, who emailed back with directions for antibiotic till removal on the 9th, an already scheduled follow up for my regular health issues and checking on the removal of an ingrown toenail. 

My morning continued, I was getting cranky and panicky. The pain was increasing. A simple statement from my bestie brought the morning into focus—  I forgot to take my morning medication!!!

But I got distracted and did not take them at 10 when I remembered…

Instead I found myself in the bathroom at noon, loosing the entire contents of my stomach in both directions. 

When “things” slowed down I took my meds and surprisingly held them down! I then crawled into bed where I remained for a few hours. 

Oh NO, the fun didn’t stop there…

I had to cancel dinner plans because I was still sick. So hubby brought home pizza. I was able to eat. One bite though, it had really hard chunks of… Something. As I spit the bite into the trash I knew instantly my teeth are breaking. Luckily it was only one tooth, but still! And no, the pizza wasn’t that hard! I was warned about breaking teeth because of the Osteoporosis, I guess I figured it wouldn’t happen to me! 

Well it did happen to me, all sorts of weird and wonky stuff happened today! Such a different day from yesterday! 

Today has been one of those days that I question why I keep fighting this loosing battle. I ask myself what is it all worth. I do not see the point in an existence that is so littered with pain and new doctors. Days like today I just want to give it all up! 

But I won’t, because I know this moment will pass and I will remember the reasons I don’t give up. I will remember my purpose. I will have the strength once more to keep fighting. One moment at a time, those moments lead to hours, to days, to weeks, months, years. Just get through each moment. 

A Butterfly examines her wings~ 

Well here it is, another decade for me and this one is going to be different than the first 3 (thankful to those because they got me here and made me who I am.) This year holds a lot of healing and stepping into my authentic self, coming out of my cocoon, becoming the burning woman, a Phoenix rose from the ashes!

I’ve lost a lot of friends on this journey, I’ve also made a lot of friends on this journey. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, I’ve also learned a lot of lessons. Apologies Ive made and some still I owe, I’ve also done a lot of forgiving with more forgiving to to come. 

Tomorrow I step into another chapter of my journey, a chapter of inner work and outter service, a chapter of healing myself as well as being a light for others! I am excited about the courses I start, I am excited about the new friends I will make, I am burning with curiosity of where it will take me! 

I am already seeing the people that support me, I’ve learned to set boundaries and that has been too much for some, I’ve learned to take care of myself first and that too, has been to much for some. More changes are on the way, and yes I know, that will be too much for some. But for many, they will stay by myside, cheering me on with pride! 

Caterpillars don’t understand why the butterfly wants to fly. Caterpillars have heard the screams from the cocoon and wonder why would anyone need to change that badly. They are comfortable inching along. 

That is not part of my path, I need wings! 

The last two years of being sick has brought as much into my life as it has taken out and for that I am thankful! It sounds strange to be thankful for something that has cost so much money, time, and pain. But I know now that it has put me exactly where I needed to be! 

Regardless of if this array of chronic-ness keeps me housebound or let’s me become once more the social butterfly I once was, I am stepping into my power, stepping into my authentic self this year

I will host women’s circles, I will open doors to healing and opportunities for other women to step into their own power! I will make a difference in this world! I am a chronic Warrior Goddess

Meeting new people~

I have always been the loud obnoxious friend in the group, I have always been a little shy to meet new people, I have always worried about first impressions.

Now, now the thought of meeting new people makes me sick to my stomach and here is why…

The people I already know, they know that I will forget what I was saying, they know I am not lieing when I can’t remember simple details of an event. They recognize the glass look in my eyes when I am not following their conversation. They know by my fascial features when the pain is too much. They just know these things. 

But meeting new people is not like that at all! When I meet new people I am scared they will think my intelligence is slow when I can’t remember basic words or say the sentence so backwards it no longer made a sentence. They might think I am being dishonest if I stammer for the recollection on an event. They may think I am being rude if I have to leave early, or lazy if I need to sit. 

I know I’ve talked about not caring what people think, but to me this is different, right? This is making a first impression, this is “Hi my name ummm, sorry mind blank… Ummm… *thinking* and my phone number is ***- oh wait, that’s my social security number… I have pan-pan-pan- AN appointment with dr 8:30 at…. Hold on let me think.” Tears are threatening to roll down my cheeks, a lump is forming in my throat. Why can’t I talk right!!!! 

Ha- the time I used the word masturbation instead of Mediation in a very important setting when the word was HIGHLY inappropriate! 

Anyway… I do not like meeting new people because I know my mind will glitch, but then to try to explain the glitches makes me sound even more off my rocker. 

Being in an unfamiliar place just seems to make all of these issues worse, because now on top of the stress of conversations, I also have to worry about where the nearest bathroom is, when I will be able to easily get up to move around if I need to, I cannot be in the sun, not to hot or not to cold, will it be a long walk, is the ground uneven, bring extra medications in case I need it. 

So social interactions just make me want to crawl under my own blankets and cry. 

A lot! 

The Next 40 Years~

20+ years ago I was diagnosed with fibro, but I had two sons to provide for and quitting was not an option, little did I know that the constant pushing was doing more damage that I would have to live with forever. 

But living with people’s judgements started many, many years before that! I was constantly not “enough” or being “bad” in some way! I was to thin or to tall, to loud or to stupid, to irresponsible or to wild. You hear something enough and you begin to believe it! 

But that was the first Forty years! Now it’s time for the next forty years! 

The next forty years are going to be different. I don’t need anyone’s approval!  I will NOT judge myself through ANYONE else’s eyes! I will not cater to their opinion of me! 

The day after my 40th birthday I start the Red Tent Initiation and Practical Priestessing courses, yes I am taking the courses to learn to facilitate women’s circles to help others heal, but I am taking the journey for my own healing! I will find my own voice! I will find my own power! I will be courageously and unapologetically ME!

We all have a story, our very own story, and no matter how similar our stories are, we will never fully understand each others feelings of that story! So while others will judge what they think they know of my story, I will be living it! Fully living it! 

I have wasted to much precious time trying to be what I thought others either wanted me to be or rebelling against who they thought I was! 

If you think about it; parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, teachers, friends, neighbors, bosses, coworkers, acquaintances, this list goes on; if you put on a mask to please each person all day and night, every day and night 3 things will happen. 1) you will lose who you really are 2) they know you are faking and the relationship is built on lies. 3) You will become sick with exhaustion. 

I’ve lost who I was many times! I am now finding me, and I will not change my masks anymore! It took me getting sick to see, I will never ever be who they all want me to be. 

Most of my illnesses are stress related, I can’t help but wonder if I had allowed myself to be authentic a long time ago, would I still be so sick?  That question will never be answered, but before it is asked of my next 40 years, I will make the changes I should have made years ago! 


Love/hate relationship with Mr Sandman

Here it is, 4am and I am wide awake! I had been getting good sleep for the last week or so. 

I know this sounds crazy and backwards, but I sleep better at night if I’ve had a nap that day! Does anyone else do this too?

On the days I get a nap I usually sleep better at night! But if I don’t nap I get a second wind and am up all night! 

I’m feeling it, but when did it happen? 

I am feeling it, but when did it happen? I blinked and many years have passed me by! 

Seems like just yesterday my boys were babies.

Seems like yesterday that I was young (and oh so not smart.) 

I will be turning 40 on Sunday! I feel every bit of forty, my bones are twice that age, but when did my thirties happen? 

My baby, who will be 20 in 18 days, just found out he is going to be a daddy! I am going to be a grandma! 

Don’t get me wrong, 40 doesn’t bother me, I’m excited to join the grandma club! I just somehow missed a whole lot of time! 

Tonight I just feel in such limbo, life is waiting on a few major things, things I have no control over, things that will just take time and cannot be rushed. Yet I check the calendar, almost like life begins once this, this, and that happens! I want to fast forward past the stress, right to the happy moments, or maybe even to the calm-take a breath now moments. 

Maybe that is how I lose so much time, but wasting it wishing for it to fast forward.