I’m Not This Way On Purpose~

I post the happy~ I am so Thankful posts then an hour later I am posting the F-off~life sucks posts then later I post the disease awareness posts. It continues, sometimes hourly sometimes daily. But I assure you I do not swing from mood vine to mood vine like Tarzan in the jungle on purpose. 

“You are so negative.” “Don’t post when you are not feeling good.” “You are so dramatic.” “Attention seeker.” The list goes on, I’ve heard it and I’ve felt it. 

I wish your advice was as easy  for me to do as it is for you to slap me in the face with. I don’t like looking like a drama queen, I don’t like the amount of friends I’ve lost over it. I don’t like feeling it wayyyy more than you don’t like reading it. 

You should see the mood vine jungle in my mind if you think what you see is “dramatic.” I don’t show you 1/8 of what I feel. I just sometimes get so full up that I need a quick little vent. 

Yet I am stuck in this body with ever mounting symptoms and diagnosis, stuck in a life that is more isolated than the one I was used to, stuck taking several medications and dealing with their side effects, stuck in constant pain and guilt. 

So while you sit there unstuck in your life judging me, maybe you could try being nice, offering some support, asking if I am okay, or just say nothing because you obviously do not know enough to be talking about this. Your comments, while you think are justified are ignorant, hurtful, and damaging. 

This jungle I swing through is ever changing, not adaptable, and gets depressing. 

When you think I am being weak, that is actually when I am fighting the hardest. 

I try to be positive, and for the most part I do pretty good. Sometimes though, the weight is to much to hold. 

I read a quote the other day, I cannot find it or remember who said it but it went something like this. 

My illnesses are like ever changing puzzles, not only are the pieces in constant motion but they change shape and colors too.

You would get frustrated and depressed from trying to work with this puzzle too! 

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3 thoughts on “I’m Not This Way On Purpose~

  1. Your first sentence was spot on relatable to me, mood swings on a constant basis, although I’ve learned to keep a neutral attitude of indifference so no one knows how I’m feeling really because then if I them they would say I’m just somatic or delusional or something.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so agree with you about how others judge us. Makes me want to be quiet.
      I decided a few months ago to let my “Invisible Illness” flag fly! I want to get the awareness out there that just because you can’t see what we go through, doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I don’t want to stay hidden, but sometimes I know it would be so much easier if I would keep my mouth shut and fingers off of the keyboard. Lol.

      Like

      1. Haha yea I understand, I’m used to just saying I’m alright to everyone, but kind of give off a “don’t ask me anything else” kind of vibe. I genuinely don’t like being around most people, so I guess getting a message out to society isn’t my motive but I just want to figure myself out haha.

        Liked by 1 person

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