50 First Questions~

Y’all have seen the movie 50 First Dates right? I love that movie! My short term memory sometimes reminds me of 10 Second Tom! Well keep that movie in your mind (memory haha) as you read this post.

Today I have had a discovery of the weirdest or scariest or saddest type. I don’t even know how I feel about it actually.

I used to do Astrology, I loved it! I loved the way people would respond when I explained the parts of their Natal chart (where the planets are when someone is born) that explain or describe who they are. I loved the calls or messages later from an excited client who seen the planets play out in a transit (where the planets are now compared to their Natal chart.) I loved it all.

Then I got sick!

I kept trying to stick with the readings but I couldn’t keep appointments, I couldn’t remember what planets did what etc etc.

So I stopped all together.

Then about a week ago I was asked what I loved about Astrology and like a veil pulled from the magic hat everything started making sense, the memories were flooding in. Then (I don’t remember what) something steered me toward the Elemental aspects of astrology. I’ve been like a kid in the candy store discovering new things and making tons of notes and piecing pieces together. I’ve loved it. I even wrote some daily guidance for next week based on Elemental interpretations-it’s awesome!!

Today I laid my head in my hands for a quick nap, upon raising my head I seen a tattoo I’ve had on my arm for years…

It’s the Elemental Star.

Wait! What?!!! That means… that means my love for the Elemental is not NEW, it’s a memory that is coming back!!! How can it be that I have no recollection of something I love so much? How does someone forget something like this? (Why couldn’t have I forgotten some bad memories from that time?) Why have I never questioned that tattoo before?

While I am thrilled with the memory returning, I am also disturbed, what else is missing still?

I knew my short term memory was horrible, I didn’t know my long term was missing pieces.

It’s pointless to dwell on it or try to fix it or anything, I know that.

I guess just be thankful for what’s coming back?

Ya know it also makes me wonder how many times I’ve taken the same lessons or asked the same questions from instructors or guides or mentors multiple times thinking it was the first time. How many times do I repeat myself? Is this why people stop answering me?

Oh my oh my has this stirred a new set of questions. But what do I do, ask them if I’ve asked them before, how many times? I honestly don’t think I want to know, it’s making me feel stupid.

50 First dates? Nah, I’m 50 First questions!!!

Advertisements

Another Day in Bed~

I started this post as a pity party for myself, spending another day in bed, another day either recovering from yesterday, resting for tomorrow, or just a down day like any other.

I wanted to talk about poor me, sick of this popcorn ceiling, lagging internet

craving foods I cannot have (oh what I wouldn’t do for a cupcake!) and on and on…

But then something totally normal happened. It happens several times a day everyday but due to something that was said yesterday, this normal event turned my pity party into a moment of deep gratitude.

Look at that face! That face is always at my side, kisses and cuddles, alerts and warmth! This is my Healing Hound! Some may say “he’s just a dog!” But to me he is not just a dog.

Some days he is my only smile. Some days he makes me laugh out loud.

This chronic life is a lonely one; rarely a visitor, rarely a call, rarely a text. But always this face is in my space.

And so today, I’ll be thankful for the Healing Hounds that brighten my day, for the friends who remind me to appreciate the moments, and for the moments I can appreciate!

There is always, always something to appreciate, sometimes it just takes a bit looking.

Compression What?

So a few weeks ago I read somewhere how Compression Socks & Fingerless Gloves are a must have for fibro Spoonies. I was hesitant because I don’t like anything tight on my body because it hurts! I’ve gained 75lbs from the steroids for my Addison’s, tight clothes HURT!

I asked around and received more pluses, Compression gear is said to help with POTS and people with Arthritis are loving the gear too…

So what the heck, I’ll get an inexpensive pair from Walmart, which I did this morning! I got the gloves and the socks. I haven’t tried the socks yet, but the gloves…

I’ve worn them all day, just took them off for about 45minutes and yes, they are back on! I cannot believe the difference they make in my pain level in my wrists and hands. I’m not sure yet if it’s the warmth, the construction, or what, but I would recommend them highly!

I’m still a bit hesitant on the socks. My feet are some of my worst pains. But I’ll give those a go tomorrow! Stay tuned!

Happy New Year~

I’ve been quiet for quite some time, not because things were unusually good, but because I’ve been a hot mess!

We’ve moved into a new house, y’all know the exhaustion and stress that comes with that! Our youngest son and his wife to be (January 27th) are due to have a baby girl June 3rd, imagine the excitement! Well a billion other things have been good exciting and bad stressing and to be honest the roller coaster has emotionally drained both me and my Cortisol levels, feels like I fight off crisis daily. Needless to say I am cranky, tired, and emotional!

But… it’s 50 minutes from a New Year! 2018 is full of potential, hopes, dreams, and my goal is to see the Magic in every moment. But in order for that to happen I need to clean up some toxic-ness in my life.

*As I type this fireworks are exploding outside and my poor Healing Hounds are stressed! 😞

I’m not into resolutions, so this isn’t about that, but it is time I set some boundaries and stick to them! Boundaries to protect myself and my health.

So… No disrespect to anyone, I still love and care for each and everyone of the people in my life, I’m still here to listen and support…

BUT…

I put so much energy into trying to be the mediator, the protector, the guide… often at the expense of my own health.

People do not realize how much their stuff effects me, after the drama has passed they move on with their life, but I take days, weeks, or months to recover. I have to get less emotionally attached or involved. I have to step back and let them find their way! It is NOT my circus, they are NOT my monkeys!

*image from Redbubble .com

I am also a micro-manager, everything needs to be a certain way, go as planned, stay on schedule, not deviate from my expectations… I get all crazy and thrown out of balance when others are late, change plans, effect the outcome… it’s time I learn to go with the flow.

AND…

Most of all I need to do what’s best for me! I’m not putting up with bullshit just to avoid the stress of confrontation, I won’t nod and agree just to keep the peace. I let people walk all over me because I thought it was easier than dealing with expressing my own thoughts and opinions- it has cost me dearly.

*image from Wild Woman Sisterhood on Facebook.

THEREFORE…

*image from Soul Sisters Facebook page

This year I will take care of me for my health, so I can celebrate 2019, 2020, and so on. It’s time to stop expecting others to see how all of this effects me- it’s time I take this in my hands and protect myself!

I am sending you all Blessings of love and abundance, as healthy and as happy as can be, and the strength and courage to stand up for yourself to take care of yourself: be an advocate for yourself in 2018 and all of the years to come!

Happy New Year my brother and sister Spoonies!

With Love!

Big Changes! BIG!!!

I think it has been a bit since I posted, so I want to update y’all on what’s happening and what I have planned!

First, my doctor has upped my HC and my thyroid meds! By day 2 I was noticing a huge difference. My pain had decreased, my fatigue had decreased, my sleep improved!!! My brain fog is still horrible and when I physically feel better but my brain is foggy it is so maddening! But I’ve also noticed my heart rate and BP have been increasing! Overall, I have seen great improvement!!!

While I was at the doctor last week he had me step on the scales… This girl who has been between 118-130 for almost ever is not about to hit the 200’s! I’m not okay with that, not just the numbers, but I don’t like the full-tightness my skin feels. So it’s time to watch what I eat, no more See-Food eat it- diet! Plus a small thing I somehow forgot, I am prediabetic so I shouldn’t be eating crap! I do vaguely remember now that my last blood work showed pre-diabetic. Oops.

Physical activity~ we all know how painful “exercise” is, it can set us back days or even months! Belly dancing was tolerable before, it’s as slow or as fast as I want it to be, so I decided to start that back up! Today I made it through the warmups! Start small! Baby steps.

Also while I was at the doctor he reminded me that staying Hydrated helps with all of my illnesses but my POTS especially needs it right now. So increase the water intake!

Not doctor related; I was gifted a course last week, I love studying and learning and especially about Goddess/Spiritual stuff! I realized in that moment that I need to pull my energy together and get some sort of structure in my life, not only for the best benefits of the course but also so I am not so scattered that I just run in self destructive circles. I accomplish nothing because I only do bits and pieces of this and that so nothing gets neglects, but nothing gets completed either!

Sooooo…

I’m setting goals, making plans, building structure, and creating good habits.

  • Prioritize
  • Small steps
  • Doable goals
  • Realistic expectations
  1. Eat Healthier
  2. More water
  3. Less smoking
  4. Daily routine (flexible)
  • Mediation
  • Belly Dance
  • Journal
  • Spirit School (what I am calling the combination of courses I am working on)

See, I am making plans, organizing what energy I have, making the most of each day!

So my Big changes are starting! Day 1!!!

Some Days are just like this~

With chronic illness we have good days and bad days, days we have fierce warrior fighter skills and the world sees us smile, and days we have no fight left and don’t see this life as worth while. Some days are just like this.

Today has been rough, physically and emotionally, today I didn’t have the energy to fight and tonight I wonder what it’s all worth. Seriously, I fight this fight day in and day out, and for what? To do it all again tomorrow? There is no relief in sight, no shining light, no cure.

The loneliness is consuming me.

The hours of thinking through the pain.

Setting goals knowing I will not follow through, but they temporarily give me hope.

Temporarily. Temporary. This too shall pass. Right?

Right?

All of my tomorrows are a new chance at one of the good days, a new chance to remember all of my reasons for fighting another day. Some days are just like this.

Some days are just like this!

Take a breath— no! Take a deep breath!

*image found on Pinterest

I’ve survived worse days, I’ll make it through this one too, because no matter the day one thing stays the same- hope! No matter how small it is, hope remains.

So when my heart is sinking from the many hours spent alone…

When my fight is wore out and no light is shone…

When I want to give up…

Some days are just like this. This day will pass. A good day will come and remind me why Hope remains, through all of the days.

Some days are just like this.

A Fibromyalgia Diagnosis is Emotionally Deceiving.

I think back to my fibromyalgia diagnosis, 20+ years ago and I remember being so excited, after a couple years of testing, to finally have a diagnosis! Because a diagnosis means a treatment. Right?

I think back to when my symptoms all multiplied by 10 (by 100 on bad days) and the first few doctors said “well you do have fibromyalgia!” They said it like it explained everything… in this case Addison’s Disease was yet to be diagnosed, so fibro was the answer.

Okay, so it’s fibromyalgia! That sigh of relief and this wave of “Okay give me medicine so I can return to my normal life free of pain” washes over the newly diagnosed.

So the first prescription!

And the second!

And another!

And more!

What the heck is going on? I am not getting better…

That is the deception of this wickedly cruel illness… you won’t get better! You may learn to manage symptoms! But you never get to go back to the day before fibromyalgia!

You might get lucky and have periods of “remission!” Cherish those periods!

So while your loved one who finally has a diagnosis is happy to have answers, be prepared for the day they realize that this diagnosis is emotionally deceiving.