Evening Primrose UPDATE~

It’s been a bit since I posted about the introduction to Evening Primrose so here it is.

I was expecting a BIG POW 💥 YES IT IS WORKING (or no it is not working) in BIG FlAShInG lights. I’m not sure why I always think that. Anyway, there were no flashing lights, no big 💥Pow!

But… it has been commented on multiple times about my memory and how it’s not only improved but creepily almost photogenic (I was read a debit card number and repeated it back several minutes later with almost 100% accuracy.)

So memory has shown huge improvement. Brain fog, I have it less often and less severe. I do still get it but now it feels like a time lapse- it’s hard to explain, it isn’t bad but a bit disorienting for a few minutes.

Okay here is the big one and the one that is making me see the flashing lights.

Holidays. We, chronic warriors dread the Holidays. Cooking, cleaning, socializing, staying awake, missing naps, needing extra medication just to make it through the day. Then add to that, dropping temperatures, rising air pressure, increasing moisture. The weather has a huge effect on me too.


Christmas morning…

  • I woke extra early (unusual)
  • I baked blueberry muffins.
  • Cleaned up the kitchen.
  • Showered & got ready
  • Opened presents
  • Cleaned up
  • Started Christmas dinner
  • All of the above things are things using up my energy, I am feeling tired by this point but everyone is having such a good time. My hubby, bonus daughter, son and his wife and baby daughter are all here for the Holiday magic.
  • Hubby is getting the fryer ready for the turkey.
    • Finishing up getting casseroles in the oven and other last minute things.
      FaceTime with family from back home.
  • Then the drama erupts, the ultimate in disrespect in my own home. I won’t go into it, I only mention it because it was the kind of drama that would normally have had me walking the crisis line. I took extra HC. Hubby is getting worried, the crash was coming and it was going to be bad- we didn’t have an event to compare it to because it was so bizarre and the utmost on the disrespect level and aimed right at me. *the drama was not caused by those from back home nor was it my bonus daughter. In fact, even at 11 years old she was the least dramatic!*
  • But nothing.
  • Nothing happened.
  • I was unusually calm. I remember thinking “is this a dream?” Because I was so calm. Calm.
    • Ate Christmas dinner
      Cleaned up from Christmas dinner
  • ***Hubby and bonus daughter helped with finishing touches on dinner, my brain fog hit and I couldn’t make sense of some things. They also helped a ton with clean up. Hubby was in a hurry to get me off to bed before the crash hit. We were still waiting for it.
    • Family meeting
  • Still no crash, but headache is starting. Updosed again.
    • Cleaned up mess from late eaters and pie makings.
  • Have you noticed how much I have done today? I don’t do 1/2 this much on an ordinary day. Much less add in the multiple bouts of stressing dramas.
  • Okay, so this alone shows how the evening primrose is helping with my nerves, my physical energy.
  • I did have a down day the day after Christmas, but even healthy people do that! The holidays are exhausting.
  • In short: YES THE EVENING PRIMROSE IS HELPING! A lot! Especially with the depression, anxiety, keeping me calm which helps a lot with the Addisons Disease. My energy level has increase. The pain is still there but it not such a distraction. Recovery time is shorter!

    So a great Big Special THANK YOU to my daughter in law for introducing me to this amazing little helper.


    Something New~ to me.

    I’ve been there and tried that and my nerves rattle when someone has a new suggestion for a new “cure all.” We’ve spent some much time, money, and hope on so many products from teas to special metal bracelets to shocking devices… so imagine my reaction when my daughter-in-love sent me a text asking if I’d tried…

    Actually my reaction was instant interest, first of all she is really smart and wouldn’t suggest just anything. Second there was something about the word “Primrose oil” that caused an excitement that made me smile and start clicking links before I even responded.

    I couldn’t read fast enough.

    I did a lot of research on evening primrose oil and any contradictions to meds and other illnesses.

    So I couldn’t order it fast enough.

    It has arrived!

    I start taking it today.

    Have you tried it? How did it work for you? I’d love to hear from you!

    Sharing of the Light~

    I would say it’s the Holidays, but it started a couple of months ago. That tailspin into the darkness of winter, that almost not noticeable cloud of depression settling in.

    Only that cloud has been noticeable! I’ve been fighting so hard to stay on top of it! I distract myself in every way imaginable, yet there are moments of quiet. Those are the moments where I spin.

    I get hyper focused on something, usually something that I can dig and rehash and find new ways for it to make my self worth drop lower, ways I can further validate my invalidating and destructive behavior. Yes I see it, yes I know I am doing it. I shift from “it’s all in my head” to “no it’s it’s not in your head, look at the proof!” The results are the same, sinking and spinning.

    Rarely is my behavior met with compassion or communication. I guess I understand that, but that just sends me deeper into spinning. Saying “Hey I can’t help it.” Wouldn’t help. People don’t get it. They only see what they want to see, and I understand they don’t see what I’m actually going through.

    I’ve been accused of not understanding that others have a life, that I’m being selfish when I need a friend. Yet part of me wonders why, when I’m available to them through their stuff even when my stiff isn’t good, why it’s so hard to expect the same?

    See, then I start spinning again.

    I know I need to be my own light.

    To stop this spinning on my own, I try, I really do. Does anyone actually experience this spinning because they want to? I doubt it.

    I did amazing all summer, in the months of warmth and bright days! I was doing so well I asked my dr about coming off of one of my depression/ anxiety meds, he suggested I wait a bit longer that the winter months are the hardest. Yep, yep they are.

    So to you my friends, struggling with the spinning in your own thoughts, sinking into your own despair- you are not alone.

    I say to you:

    Hey friend, how are you? How are you today? Just popping in to say I’m thinking about you.

    You are not forgotten.

    You are not alone.

    Here is light for you in this time of darkness! When it’s tough to shine your own light, I will share mine!


    *image from google candles.

    I am bad Advertising for a diet plan~

    I have done awesome on this diet/lifestyle change! I have done way better than I expected!

    Even hitting the 20lb loss mark last week. Yay me.

    Last Saturday night I CHOSE to cheat. Not temptation indulgence but chose that I wanted something specific to eat. And I did.

    Baked potato loaded (my healthy choice was I didn’t double the butter or sour cream like I usually would and I did not eat the skin which is usually my favorite part,) bread (healthy choice was not indulging on that last piece,) sweet tea!

    I savored every bite! Every bite was cherished. It was delicious. It didn’t make me sick either which surprised me.

    No guilt! I loved it.

    Sunday came along and damn if I don’t give into a burger. I didn’t make it a double and I didn’t supersize it! Didn’t even add the bacon.

    Okay a little guilt but I will get back on plan on Monday.

    And I did. Monday morning I stepped on the scales and my heart sank. Up 2+ pounds. 177.8. So much for the 20lb loss.

    Back on the plan strictly!

    Guess what? Today I stepped on those unforgiving and tattletale scales…


    I am back on track.

    Yes it was worth it for a couple reasons.

    1. The food was enjoyable. (One of the reasons I started this plan was to improve my relationship with food!)

    2. I consciously made better choices. Maybe not super healthy choices, but 50% better than I used to!

    3. It amazes me how much weight those two meals added to the scales.

    4. This plan really works to get the weight off.

    So all in all I am pretty excited.

    Oh and I did not even dip into the Halloween candy!!!

    It Is Not Your Fault~ EVER!

    This is probably the most important post I have ever or will ever post.

    My timing may be off and for that I apologize, but with it being Halloween/ Samhain, remembering the lives of those who have passed and other events recently I need to say this.

    Everyone tip toes around my stress level trying not to throw off my cortisol. Good news and bad news, everything. To protect me. And I love and appreciate you all for that.


    I need you to know that if I have to stress dose, updose, emergency inject, go to the ER because of my Addisons Disease, it is only because of my disease.

    It is NOT your fault.

    You did not do it.

    It is the disease and that is something that cannot be helped.

    Yes we take precautions to keep me safe, but if those can’t be avoided, it is what it is.

    I repeat…


    You DID NOT DO this to me!

    Second~ I know you worry about me! Thank you! But in some situations I know that things cannot be changed or helped or whatever and you need to take care of you! TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!

    I would never ever want something to happen to me and you think it is your fault. Ever.

    This is the disease. This is the disease. This is the disease.

    Thank you and I love you.

    Through the good & bad~ happy or sad

    Earlier today I posted on my Facebook about the Healing Hounds acting weird, they have started (Or I’m just noticing) getting super clingy a few hours to a full day before I flare up.

    Sure enough rain is coming. Sure enough the pain has started.

    The rain pains and healing hounds are only part of the reason of this post. Actually this post goes in a few directions.

    1. What is this all worth? Why do I keep fighting this loosing battle? I know I am not alone in wondering this, in my case (this time) it wasn’t a suicidal thought, it was just a honest question to myself.

    The pharmacy had refilled two of my prescriptions (correctly) and we had picked them up earlier that day. I plucked the staples and dumped all of the little bags onto the bed. I double checked each one for Brand and milligrams, then arranged all 10 bottles full of my little white life support pills into the Pill bag according to dosage. Recounted, rechecked then felt the tears slide down my cheeks plopping onto the notebook I keep track of meds in. Salty little pools of sadness and fear mixing with the blue words to create dark inky clouds of reminder that this is my life.

    I take these little pills every few hours, without them I would die, maybe slow and painful or maybe quickly. Most days I just take them without a thought, somedays I am thankful, somedays I fight them like I had a chance of winning. This day I was angry, why do I have to live like this kept racing through my mind about the pills, pain, painsomnia, appointments, blood draws, huge expenses WHY…

    Fast forward to today…

    My pooling inky smeared tears have dried, my body is aching in advance of the change in weather! The hounds were right, the pain is setting in! I wish I could figure out what I could do with their early warnings. More rest or something to make the pain less intense when it does come.

    Anyway, my “why” has an answer.

    Because I have important people to be here for, people I have yet to meet and people I know but rarely see. I have places to go and memories still to make. I am not done here and the people are not done with me. I fight for these reasons! I take my pills, go to my appointments, get my veins jabbed, for these reasons. And I find myself being thankful for it all because all of it keeps me alive to meet the people, make the memories, experience milestones- to be here for my life.

    With that all said…

    I swing back into angry mode.

    We talk about stressors that trigger low cortisol; illness, accidents etc and emotional stress. Emotional stress can be sudden or drawn out, it can be happy or sad or even mad. Yes I said happy! And that makes me mad. Why can’t we (I) enjoy happiness without updosing? Or even with updosing. Why can’t we be given a “happy pass” to enjoy a moment, bask in the excitement that life offers without skating the thin line of crisis? The headache that makes my eyes swell, the nausea and vomiting and fear of falling asleep in case my cortisol drops and I don’t wake up… why!!!

    Then I drag myself back to thankful…

    I am happy to be alive to experience these moments and moments to come.

    I am thankful for the medications I have access to so that I can stay alive.

    I will be here to make the memories.

    Through the good and the bad., Happy and sad, it may knock me down, but I’m still here.

    My Chronic~Hot Mess of Diagnosis’

    I repost those every few months for new readers and friends. It is not a sympathy post in any way! It’s mostly to let y’all know what I do have in case you have it to and have questions or comments. I post it for friends because a repost is easier than listing it all off again. I also repost during awareness months…

    So here it is.

    *image from google search- originator was left intact.

    What is wrong with you?” Is a question I am most frequently asked, it makes me cringe because where do I even start? Usually my response is “I am an autoimmune train wreck!” But for the purpose of this post and those who I am encouraging to read it, I need to be more specific. Here is my list of diagnosis’ currently, if I’ve remembered them all:

    1. Addison’s Disease

    2. Fibromyalgia

    3. CFS/ME
    4. Osteoporosis

    5. Osteopenia

    6. POTS Dysautonomia
    7. Hypothyroid

    8. Hashimoto’s
    9. GERD

    10. IBS
    11. Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome
    12. Multi-System Degeneration of the Autonomic Nervous System

    13. Scoliosis

    14. Hypoglycemia

    15. Pre-Diabetes

    *I have attached a link to each of the above in case you want to know more.

    And to name a few tag along illnesses (illnesses that usually come with one of the above)

    Raynaud’s Phenomena




    plantar Fasciitis,

    ocular migraine,

    Neuropathy in both feet

    cognitive impairment due to illnesses,

    short term memory disorder,

    insomnia and missing stages of sleep,


    multiple deficiencies in vitamins and minerals,


    And of course there are the tag along symptoms that are so common that there is no need for a “diagnosis” like; chronic dry eyes and mouth, chronic diarrhea, tremors, lingering sore throat, fever, allodynia pain, hair loss, vertigo and this list goes on for days.

    The pain obviously effects me 24/7. The insomnia makes it all worse, add in stress (physical or emotional) and symptoms flare. Weather changes also cause symptoms to flare, I know rain is coming before the weather reports do. Even getting nervous about meeting new people or going to a new place can trigger me.

    The cognitive impairments are my biggest complaint; recall specifically, memory recall, recalling common words or instructions for tasks or in conversation. For example I know how to heat a can of soup, basic right? On a low cognitive day I cannot remember how to do such a task. Another example, I will answer the door to the person who looks familiar through the peephole but it may take several moments to realize he is my son that I see on a regular basis.

    The cognitive issues are a big stressor for me, I feel it makes me appear dumb or like I am lying about the context that I am talking about. I am neither dumb nor a liar, but these illnesses rob me of my intelligence sometimes.

    *image from The Mighty

    As you can see my day to day life is a struggle at best. Some days you would never know anything is “wrong” with me, and other days you would think… well I am not sure what you would think.

    Some days I want to give up and let my chronic-hotness of a mess just take me, but I fight hardest on those days for a reason to live. Some days I find inspiration to enjoy life and want to live, somedays my will to live is obvious in my every-word.

    Of all of my existing diagnosis’ I also make the “Rare” category with Addison’s Disease. I believe adrenal insufficiency is more common than “rare” standards but that is for another post. Addison’s disease can be fatal if a crisis is not treated correctly and quickly, but because it is rare, finding a dr who knows enough about it is challenging. Unlike diabetes I cannot check my blood Cortisol levels and it is constantly a guessing game if I need more or less medication, therefore I can easily drop to dangerously low levels without even realizing it. Adrenal crisis is my worst fear. I do carry an emergency injection kit with me at all times.

    By now you can probably see and agree that I am a chronic hot mess. I do my best everyday, except the days I stay in bed because my energy to fight it has worn out and I need a recharge.

    Well, now that I have explained all of that… whew- this post has been a while in the making. I hope that you can now see that I am the way I am for a reason; last minute cancellations, stammering for words, taking a bit to respond to messages, forgetting to respond or answering in a confusing way, not recognizing you, not recalling a funny or sad memory and so on are just part of who I am. Please be patient and understanding. I am not this way on purpose and believe me, it irritates and frustrates me way more than you could imagine.

    So there it is. My chronic hotness of a hot mess is explained!

    Oh and FYI- this wasn’t a sympathy post, I don’t need sympathy I need patience and understanding. I may be a chronic hot mess, but I am badass in my chronic ness.

    *image from All gifts considered- google search