Don’t worry, this one is not a bash one or the other kind of post. A pity party post? Maybe. A what the hell am I supposed to do- post? Yes.
So here it is… Raw & unedited!
I suck at friendships! I really suck at everyday friendships, honestly, they exhaust me. I know it sounds horrible, but sometimes (okay most of the time) it’s easier to be alone than absorb someone else’s everyday issues (and the issues that constantly repeat themselves in someone else’s life) no matter how much I love them.
I’m very empathic and no matter how hard I try I cannot help but absorb their stuff, especially if we are everyday friends.
I suck at trying to make plans or travel for said plans. I am getting more confident about driving, but that doesn’t mean I don’t stress myself sick over it, so seriously, I don’t want to ruin what could’ve been a good time by me arriving to sick to participate. And that doesn’t even include the effort being at any sort of social gathering uses up. So you see, I’m not a good friend for this either.
Online, okay I’m not to bad here except I am horrible at responding to long IM’s, the information gets lost before I can respond! Actually the same goes for reading/commenting on other people’s posts! Yes I can post okay, I write it in notepad, edit, reorganize the thought, the copy and paste.
I really appreciate the “just checking in” posts, but I apologize for not having much to say most of the time. Again, its responses.
First of all my brain is all wonky- worse than normal the last couple of months.
Second, I’ve drastically changed what I have energy for as far as conversations. Small talk and he said-she said used to feed my drama dragons and I loved it but I just cannot handle the drain of energy anymore. Hence the reason many dynamics of current friendships are changing.
Now that I have been raw about what a crappy friend I am, I also must say that friendships are what I crave most.
It’s hard to make new friends for all of the reasons above, sometimes I just look at my dogs and say “I don’t need any friends anyway!” But then I roll through Facebook and see pictures of active/healthier friends out with friends having fun, enjoying friendships, having girls day, nails, tea, lunch whatever (i am so happy for you who gets to do this, I truly am!) but my heart shatters! That used to be me, having fun, laughing, girls day, having friends!
Then I beat myself up for being unable, then I wonder why I have to keep going through this.
It just goes round and round!
I miss the companionship of a face to face friendship!
I also miss having the energy to be the kind of friend I want to have.
(Yes I am at a disadvantage being “new” to town and not knowing anyone- but to meet people here I have to get out and — who has energy for that?)