Big Big Dreams! Grandiosity.

The grandiosity that is my life!

I know I owe you an updated article about how things have been since my newest diagnosis but that isn’t today’s, no today is about the grandiosity that is my life.

This is a hard topic to admit, a hard topic to face, a hard topic to know that it is my reality.

I’m going to be a New York times best selling author.

I’m going to be a famous astrologer.

I am going to teach Astrology.

I am going to teach empowerment to women.

I’m going to start a business.

I am going to make a lot of money in the business.

Which business? All of them. Today. Right now.

So what’s your book about? I haven’t written it yet.

When is your next Astrology session? I haven’t scheduled it yet.

This is what my life looks like.

But here is what my life feels like. I feel good today, I feel like I can do all of the things!

I’m going to write a book, look I just wrote 1500 amazing words.

I’m too tired to get out of bed, my elbows hurt too bad to straighten them or to bend them.

I can’t walk to the bathroom but I can drag myself there.

Oh look I feel amazing today, I will start a business and teach all of the women of the world how to empower themselves. By noon I’m taking a nap.

This is the grandiosity that is my reality.

This is the hardest thing to admit; that I know deep down I can’t do the things I dream of doing.

The chronic pain gets in the way, the chronic bipolar/BPD Xpress changes my mood from day today. The truth is my reality is full of big hopes and grand dreams with very little follow through. Not by choice but by necessity and it makes my heart hurt because some days I feel like I can do all of the things but that feeling never lasts.

I appreciate the love and support of my friends and family, that are always encouraging and believing in me “you can do it” “you do it well.” Their support in me I appreciate, but I wonder how they keep doing it after every time I don’t follow through. Have they known what I’m just now learning? That I really am not able to do the things that most sometimes my brain tells me I can do. Is it pity? Do they appease my dreams because they know it gives me hope?

I won’t give up! I will continue to write the scenes, try for the sales, make the videos, and study Astrology!

I won’t give up.

But when they say ignorance is bliss, sitting here, knowing what I know now, I would have to say I agree because before I knew the problem is me, I still thought that my dreams could come true.

I still thought I could write that New York Times best selling book, teach Astrology, be an amazing astrologer with on spot readings.

No I won’t give up because these things I dream of, they are my bliss, even if they are of grandiosity, mood changes, swings of the bipolar and BPD express.

I will continue. Even through the pain, I will talk into my phone that is writing out the words I cannot type, that are in my heart and on my mind as I navigate is chronic journey of a faulty brain and painful body.

I will never give up, and to me, that is is succeeding.

New Diagnosis x3

New diagnosis

Yes, I have new diagnosis’, that’s right more than one, three new ones to be exact. These are not medical diagnosis, these are mental health diagnoses.

I have been an advocate in the past to talk and be rid of the stigmas about depression and anxiety. But now I have a new conversation, this conversation is about bipolar II and borderline personality disorder also known as BPD, and generalized anxiety disorder also known as GAD.

I went to see my primary care physician and he had another doctor in with him who seen me that day and that doctor suggested a psychiatric evaluation because he felt I had bipolar.

Of course I was mad I’m 45 years old, if I had bipolar or anything else for that matter, aside from depression and anxiety someone would’ve diagnosed it by now.

I thought.

But I did as I was told and I came home and made phone calls, I guess I called the wrong person (psychotherapists cannot prescribe meds of give official diagnosis) but it was also the right person, a psychotherapist. She felt that I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder. But she suggested I see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and medication.

First let me say I see why people give up getting mental health care! To get in to see a psychiatrist would have been about a three month wait. Luckily my endocrinologist got me in to see one within a week.

I went to UT Southwestern in Dallas, it was the biggest psychiatric hospital or hospital in general I have ever been to, it had a chase bank inside and restaurants and other practices. Psychiatric facilities sure have changed since the 80s, I was expecting white jackets and very institutionalized setting. This was not that, this was comfortable and laid-back, yes it was professional but it was not scary.

The visit lasted a couple of hours, the doctor was very thorough, it was calmly intense and very eye-opening for me.

The doctor said he would write up his report and email it to me but what we were looking at was bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder.

So there it is.

At 45 years old I have three mental health diagnoses that are usually diagnosed much earlier in life, but leave it to me to be a chronic hot mess.

The doctor said he was quite surprised yet at the same time because of my interest in astrology, self help, and life coaching I had already taught myself (or been taught by my teachers) most of the coping skills that are taught to deal with these disorders and that I have learned them well.

I will be meeting with the psychiatrist every so often and also meeting with the psychotherapist at least weekly for the unforeseeable future, in addition to starting the medication Seroquel in combination with my existing dose of Cymbalta.

Fast forward now almost 2 weeks, I am sleeping better, my mood is more stabilized, the suicidal ideation that had become such a normal part of my every day thoughts are fairly quiet. I am learning DBT skills, dialectical behavioral techniques.

I am improving I am improving in an area I did not even know there was an uncommon issue in. Although looking back, knowing what I know now, I’ve had these symptoms most of my life.

The doctor did also tell me that it wouldn’t surprise him if my physical symptoms decreased, I am excited to see what happens there.

Now, posts here will also cover these new topics, and life with them.






To say I’m overwhelmed would be an understatement.

So I got the results back, from the Everywell sensitivities test, I was expecting one or two things, three or four maybe, and I got 32.

Now this was just a sensitivity test, not an allergy test.

There were a few things that I was expecting, like dairy, corn, apple, egg, and gluten sensitivities.

Dairy is definitely a sensitivity. I was also expecting an egg sensitivity and indeed I have an egg white sensitivity. However, what I was not expecting was a soy sensitivity.

How often do you read the labels on what’s in your food? I’m talking all the labels; the seasonings, the butter, the oil, the spices, the spice packets, salad dressing, chips, salsa?

How often do you read the labels on your vitamins and supplements?

And let’s take it a step further how often do you read the ingredients for your shampoo, conditioner, skin care, toothpaste, lotions, cosmetics?

I was somewhat experienced with label reading because several years ago I was told I had celiac‘s disease, which by the way I do not, but I learned a little bit about reading labels then, so I’m not sure why this all surprised me so much. But I am overwhelmed.

When I look at the list of sensitivities I wonder what I can eat, diet ice hold the minerals. It’s overwhelming, it seems everything has soy in it or egg or dairy and when I say dairy, I did not know that included butter, which I guess that’s just common sense though.

So I made my list of things I could eat and got them from the grocery store, the grocery bill was surprisingly cheap.

I got home and started to see some improvements, then remembered I needed to add probiotics/digestive enzymes to my regimen. So I did and guess what? I started getting sick again. Oh I needed to read the label and I did and it contained an ingredient that I am sensitive to. How am I supposed to get in my probiotics and digestive enzymes when it contains the ingredients I am sensitive to?

So I went through my supplements and vitamins reading the labels one by one- with my list of sensitivities in hand. I am now taking fewer supplements and fewer vitamins and wondering if this next eight weeks is going to help or hurt.

You see with a sensitivity test I don’t have to permanently eliminate the ingredients that I’m sensitive to, just eliminate them for 4 to 8 weeks to let my body heal and then slowly one by one re-introduce the ingredients and wait three days each to see if there is a reaction.

With those instructions in mind I decided to re-introduce corn since it wasn’t on my sensitivity list, day one I had heartburn, day two my bones and joints started to ache, day three I could not sleep because the pain was intense. So since this isn’t a sensitivity I guess I should assume it is an allergy.

I was trying to do the elimination diet based on my sensitivities with the least amount of disruption to our eating style and it didn’t take long for me to realize that just wasn’t going to happen. So I restart the elimination diet today, eating very basic and eating very clean. Speaking of clean, I am irritated, I went clean and natural with the intent of feeling better.

My cosmetics have pineapple and vanilla in them, my supplements have ginger in them.

I know it’s only 4 to 8 weeks, I know it’s only to heal my stomach and then to re-introduce the ingredients one by one, but does it ever end? I try to go natural and I’m sensitive or allergic to most of the ingredients. I try to eat right and just make myself sick. I try to take the supplements and they just make things worse.

I know there’s a learning curve.

I know this takes time but it seems like for every one step forward I take two steps backward.

I sometimes wonder if ignorance really is bliss.

I think everyone should get a food allergy and sensitivity test done especially if they are experiencing any chronic symptoms and I don’t mean just G.I. symptoms pain symptoms cognitive symptoms memory mood any symptoms I think it should just be a common blood test.

It is overwhelming yes, but hopefully soon I will be experiencing the benefits of taking this overwhelming step.

I wonder if- What if-maybe

I have been wanting to do this test for so long! Now it’s done!

The Everywell comprehensive food sensitivity 204 test is the one I used. It came highly recommended by many friends and family members that also suffer with food sensitivities.

It was so easy that I wonder why I waited so long to order it!

I wonder why a food sensitivity test is not done before elimination diets?

I wonder why food sensitivity tests are not done at the onset of so many symptoms, it’s fairly common knowledge that food sensitivities are the cause of so many symptoms, why isn’t this a priority?

If this test comes back with multiple sensitivities, and when I eliminate them, and if I improve, I will become the poster child for getting tested!

I know, this post is a long of wondering, what if’s, and maybes…

But sometimes, on days like today, it offers HOPE, even if only temporary, it is HOPE.

And Hope, helps me to gather the ashes of recent burnings, so I can rise again.

Always a Phoenix.

Oh and here is my link Everywell you don’t have to use mine, I do gets points or something for it, but even if you don’t use them, have you thought about getting a sensitivity test done?

If you’ve already done one, did it help?

True to Phoenix Cycles~

True to Phoenix cycles, I’ve once again burned. I’m trying to rise, again, but we all know that takes time and so much effort.

I have never had a good relationship with food,

Eat it and I’ll get fat.

Eat it but throw it up I won’t get fat but my hair falls out.

Drink it.

This makes me nauseous.

This burns my mouth.

This gives me blisters

Don’t eat.

Eat to much.

Don’t eat this.

Don’t eat that.

Now you are fat.

This makes me poop. A lot.

This doesn’t let me poop.

Crave this.

Live on that.

I’ve asked so many times, “just give me an IV and be done with it.”

It’s never been investigated to a true point of diagnosis.

Elimination diets.

Gluten free.




And so on…

No answers.

Tonight I sit here looking at an unopened food sensitivity test.

What if it doesn’t have answers?

What if it does?

A few months ago I felt on top of he world, it was like I wasn’t sick at all. Almost.

Yes I’m still better than I was a year ago, but that month of amazingness- I want it back so bad.

What was different?

I was on a strict Candida cleanse diet. Was that really what made such a huge difference? Would being back on it make things right again?

Vitamins, I haven’t been taking B’s and that is so important considering I used to need injections.

Is it stress? We all know how stressful life is for most of us right now.

Is it just another flare on this merry-go-round of chronic illnesses.

There is no ONE thing!

I have so many new friends on here who may not know this to be true, but I also have so many friends here who’ve seen what I’ve been through, what I’ve put myself and others through, yet here I am.

I’m here today, in a place I’ve never been & tears roll down my cheeks because I didn’t even know someone “like me” could be the person I am now.

I was the drunk at a bar, the one other moms (and everyone actually) talked bad about, I had very little respect for myself and didn’t even understand the concept when it came to others.
I partied to hard, spent my time and attention in the wrong places, looked for love in the wrong faces, I made the “wrong” decisions way more often than I made the right ones.

Then I got sick, got a bad diagnosis and my decisions only got more intense. Riskier! I didn’t care.

Over time my health fluctuated, my decisions teetered on “trying to do better”
I yo-yo’ed for many years.

Thousands and thousands of dollars were spent on treatments, medications & natural remedies, doctors & healers, counselors and self help books/courses and so many devices/contraptions/aides just to try to make my quality of life bearable both physically and emotionally.

No, this isn’t the face you see now, I get many questions of how I’ve changed so suddenly!
I wished I could say it was any ONE thing, because the whole world could then fix their “something.”
But it wasn’t one thing.
I’ve worked my ass off to get here. I’ve had suicidal nights and deathbed mornings, I’ve rose from my own ashes so many times.

Was it selling the house?
Was it back on the road gypsy-living?
Was it the products I’m loving?
Was it the business I’m doing?
Was it the friends I’m making?
Was it the crystals, talismans, moon manifestations?
Was it the courses I’m taking?
Was it the food changes I’m making?
Was it _?
No it was not one of those things!
It was all of those things and so many other things!
They were all the best decisions I’ve ever made!

If you are struggling, searching for that ONE thing to make all the things better, looking within is a good start, but honestly there is NOT any ONE thing! It’s a dance, a long dance with steps forward and backward, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, sometimes you find the rhythm in the still moments between steps! It is life.
Keep dancing, keep moving, keep living it because it truly doesn’t stay any one way for very long.
Ask “Who am I” with a curious heart not a condescending ego, ask it often and most importantly LISTEN to the answer!

10 months ago we came back on the road.
9 months ago I started these products & started selling them.
7 months ago we sold our home.
3 months ago I was taken off of steroids.
2 months ago I quit smoking.
2 months ago I started the Coaching Training prerequisite course.
2 weeks ago we moved to the new location
1 week ago I started the Coaching program.
Yesterday I made the decision to make a true business of doing the things I love!
And Today, I woke up more grateful and happier than I have ever thought possible.
It can be done.
Happiness can be achieved.
The storms can be overcome.
How do I know this?
Because I am proof of it!

Long Time Coming~ Candida

And so my journey of healing continues…


I’ve heard of it. I’ve never been treated for it.

I’ve had stomach issues for as long as I can remember, but something else has always been to blame or been more important to deal with so it has never been addressed.

If you are new to this term too, check this link out

I should have been treated for this a long long time ago! I don’t know how many doctors have told me I have Thrush, but not one ever treated it. My acne is on my face, neck, and back and again, never been treated. Fatigue, fibromyalgia, my symptoms go on and on and on… yet only a medical/functional doctor that I fired years ago has ever mentioned it.

Why did I fire that doctor? Now this is the shamefully embarrassing part… because she tried telling me that my gut was causing me all of the issues.

Here we are almost 10 years later and a rash is confirming what she said about me having gut issues that needed addressed. And no, I’m not talking rash like normal Candida yeast infection in folds of skin rash, I’m talking stomach & back Cutaneous rash.

Self treatment warning!!! yes I’m going there.

I’ve done a ton of research and image comparisons. In addition to my symptoms, we are fairly certain a Candida infection is what is happening.

I’ve done the spit test, it’s in a previous post, and I drank lemon water for two days, how is two days enough to see anything? I have no idea but my tummy stopped burning, I didn’t even know it was burning. I did know I didn’t want to eat anything because my belly felt “nice.”

So then I ate, I ate chicken in a corn (yes oops corn) tortilla and bam, burning belly.

My plan of attack & healing… ❤️‍🩹

This link takes you to the page and treatment I have ordered. I’ll post specific products as they arrive. The first thing I’ve noticed about this company is that my order had a tracking number within two hours of me making my order. And it was supposed to arrive tomorrow but is now arriving today, VERY fast delivery. Impressed so far.

Hubby is picking up Candida diet safe groceries tonight!

I will be staying on my amazing and life changing collagen products, even though they contain a tiny amount of sugar.

Now for the emotional part…

Im mad because I’m sick of things going wrong with my health! Im sick of doctors who don’t treat things like this.

Im nervous! I’ve Candida die off is miserable and flu like as it kills off these little suckers.

Im scared of things getting worse.

Im excited for things to get better!

Im thankful I am able to try products to heal.

I appreciate you all for being with me on this never ending journey!

***I have been treated for GERD, IBS, and had a colonoscopy and endoscopy done! I’ve been on Omeprazole 40mg for years. Nothing of concern to medical doctors.

So here we go again!

Candida Home Test!

So I’ve recently broken out in a strange rash!

It doesn’t itch, I’ve been told it looks like shingles, and that it should itch.

It’s spreading!

Upon research I found a “spit test” for Candida. I’ve read big controversy about it’s accuracy, but I did it anyway. Multiple times, multiple stages of the day, multiple times. Always the same results.

So I had my hubby try it, and he got opposite results!

This is one of my tests.

According to what I’ve read, this test gives a half an hour for results, the expectations of floating or not. But for me, no matter how gently I spit, my spit begins sinking immediately. I cannot find what that means, but I’m assuming it is not good!

Candida, the symptoms are symptoms I’ve had for years, thrush has even been mentioned but nothing has ever been tested for, much less treated.

A little over a month ago I did a “cleanse” but it did not cleanse at all! In fact I think it pissed off my little Candida buddies and that’s why I’m getting the rash.

This Candida word is new to me, although I’ve always had stomach issues! I’ve had a virtual appointment, sent images. And no response from the doctor. Except to say Candida has nothing to do with fibromyalgia, which a simple search says otherwise.

Having no clue what to do, I’m drinking lemon water! I’ve ate low/no sugar foods.

Is they anything I can do to see ASAP if what I’m doing is helping?

I’m lost in Candida land.

A Dilemma in my Fat Loss Journey

Let’s talk wardrobe.

We’ve all been there we gain weight and need new clothes, then we lose weight and need new clothes.

Well I’ve been heavy for a while and as many have noticed and commented on black seems to be the main color in my wardrobe which is cool, I love black and I love every piece of my beautiful disaster collections but, yes there is a but…

But as I lose weight this time I am realizing I want a little more color and a little more variety. I love all of my shirts with their sayings. I get bored with regular T-shirts that have no graphics. So this time instead of sticking with one company for my whole wardrobe, I’m going to have a variety of colors styles and probably sizes.

Now for my dilemma what do I do with the clothes I’m shrinking out of? I should get rid of them because we really don’t have the space for them or I could stash them in a box in my car. I don’t plan on ever fitting in them again but I love my beautiful disaster collections and all of the other clothes I’ve collected over the years.

I could take one piece out for everyone piece I add in. Even the sweatpants that are at least three sizes too big and the elastics been cut and tied a couple times I don’t want to get rid of them. It is funny how we find strength or pride or confidence in our wardrobe.

Today one of my new orders came in, I should have went down one more size. All of the colors are so exciting!

I’m still not sure what to do with the old and much larger wardrobe that has seen me through some of the darkest times of my life.

I know this all is petty in the big picture, but it’s another facet to feeling better that I wasn’t expecting.

Oh and today, I shred my Torrid credit card!

Sending Cosmic Love!


Update and introduction to something amazing!!!

I have not wrote in forever and I should’ve wrote a long time ago!

I should’ve been keeping you updated because what I am about to share could help you too!

I’m not even sure where to begin, but I guess we’ll start here.

November 2020 I clicked on one of those cool posts like to “try this” post or “if you’re interested in this…” post, as soon the person responded and I had a tingle deep inside that said “yes try this.”

Now I’ve tried so many things, as we all have, I’ve tried this snake oil and that snake oil, some work for a little while most didn’t work at all! But I listened to that tingle that said “yes, try this” and I ordered some of this fancy stuff and waited anxiously, cautiously optimistic, for it to arrive in the mailbox.

So I drank the stuff and on day two I drank the stuff and on day three I drank the stuff.

I started noticing changes. Changes like my brain fog lifting, my mental clarity improving, my memory improving my depression and anxiety dissipating.

I’m not a doctor and I’m not making any medical claims but for me, life was beginning to change in ways I had only dreamed were possible.

A few weeks went by and I noticed that my pain was also easing I could walk without a limp, I was falling asleep easier at night, I was staying asleep, and even getting up early. I noticed my clothes were fitting looser, in fact my clothes got baggy and were quite literally hanging off of me. I could pull my jeans off without unbuttoning them.

So I ordered more stuff from the same line and waited anxiously for it to arrive in the mail, more optimistic this time because I could see the results.

My new products arrived and I drank the stuff and on the second day I drank more stuff and on the third day and so on.

And more changes begin to happen, my hair was growing in fast, thicker, and I had so many baby hairs. OK yes even my leg hairs and all the other hairs were growing in faster and thicker, I swear I had a 5 o’clock shadow on my legs by 2 o’clock. 🤪

And my skin started to clear up and improve, even my color tones were evening out and the bags under my eyes were disappearing. People were noticing how much better I looked. How much younger I was looking!

For as long as I can remember the whites of my eyes have had a yellow tint and in my right eye I had a small lump that just didn’t look right, anyway I recently noticed that my eyes were whiter and that lump disappeared. I’m not kidding, the stuff was changing my life.

So yes, as you probably know by now, I signed up to sell the stuff but that isn’t what this post is about.

So what is this post about! Collagen! I’m talking specific collagen types!

Did you know collagen is good for fibromyalgia patients pain patients even rheumatoid arthritis patients?

Collagen and HA or hyaluronic acid, it’s something that normally naturally occurs throughout the body, it is responsible for healthy joints, skin, and connective tissue. These substances are essential for tissue maintenance inside and out.

Did you know that your body reduces the productivity of collagen as we age? And that’s for a healthy person!

Collagen!!! Try it! Let me know how much better you feel in a short period of time!